My twin was perfect. He was everything I had always wanted in a man and more. I loved his artistic abilities. I loved his voice. I loved the idiosyncrasies that made him stand out from everybody else. In my eyes, he was a King. He could do no wrong. And I knew him so well. I knew him better than anybody knew him, or at least I thought. I knew his soul, even though I had only known him for a few months. I loved him. I loved every piece of his personality and everything he thought and did.
Once we separated, I only placed him higher up on my pedestal. I dreamed about him almost every night. He was in my thoughts every second of my day. He became something immortal in my mind. He was a god. He was a legend. The power he had over every molecule of my being was astounding. Whenever I thought about him, my emotions intensified. I was a live wire: My body felt electric. My heart fluttered and physically ached. There was a soul pull to him that to this day I will never understand. It felt as if my soul was literally being tugged by his, even though he was hundreds of miles away.
And oh God, did I love this man. I loved him more than I ever knew I could love or feel love, and loving somebody so deeply felt so amazing, UNTIL I remembered that he was gone. He was out of my life, and he wouldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t even reply back to the few emails I sent him. I did not understand how I could love somebody so hard and deep and the love wouldn’t be returned. How could I feel such a strong connection that was bringing me closer to God but this man wouldn’t acknowledge it? All he did was ignore me.
Dream after dream, he would visit me in his sleep. In most of the dreams, he ignored me, and he wanted me to know I was being ignored. The way he ignored me was blatant, almost child-like, as if he were a little boy mad at his mommy, trying to punish her.
With each passing month of our separation, he became less of a real person and more god-like. I got to a point where our idyllic past together felt so far away that it was as if it had been all a dream. “Had I even met him?” Nothing felt real anymore. The thought of him became a fantasy. I was experiencing the “God/Goddess Complex.”
He was my god. He was the best man in the world. And I thought about the way it ended, and I thought of myself as a horrible person. The more I put him on a pedestal, the harder I became on myself. I didn’t see myself as a goddess or a Queen, I was the crazy girl who made his life hell. I was a ball of chaos and brokenness. He didn’t deserve to meet somebody like me. He deserved to be happy. I felt bad that he ever had to deal with me. I carried that regret with me like a sack of heavy stones on my back.
Sometimes these soul connections make us delusional. They force us to think in ways we normally would never. They pull veils over our eyes until we learn the lessons. We see them as gods and goddesses and not as human beings with flaws. We view them as who we wish them to be and not who they really are.
My twin was not perfect. He was not a god. He was a man with deep wounds. He did the best he could with who he was at that time. I’m sure as I was going through my hell, he was going through his own. I can only guess that while he was mirroring issues to me, he was forced to face his own reflections. Who knows what he saw in that mirror? I only know what I saw in mine.
Once the “God/Goddess Complex” fades, the truth reveals we are better than we ever gave ourselves credit. We were so preoccupied, focused on how amazing our soul connections were that we could no longer see the god and goddess within ourselves. We were giving all our love to them and neglecting our own hearts. We can love ourselves as much as we love them. Love this powerful can be spread far. The more we love, the more it grows. And the more we love ourselves, the more we find peace in the connection.