Going Through the Twin Flame Journey to the Other Side: Part 1

Everybody who is dealing with a Twin Flame connection wants to know how you can not only survive, but make it through where you find peace and happiness. The most important thing I want you to know is: IT CAN BE DONE. Not only am I living proof of it, but I receive several e-mails a day from people all over the world, sharing their personal Twin Flame experiences with me and how they made it through them. I hear incredible stories of devastating loss, Dark Night of the Souls, spiritual awakenings, healing, perseverance, fearlessness, and fighting through Ego and old emotional wounds to find a rainbow at the end of a storm.

There are people who argue with me that you can’t have a relationship with another man/woman after a Twin Flame connection. These people are misguided. They let the connection win. Now they’re stuck. They don’t know how to deal with it anymore, so they stay chained to it. Or they tell me that twins always come back together. I see it everywhere: “Eventually the twins reunite.” When? In this lifetime or the next? Who says? Where is this information coming from? It sounds good. But I’ve seen a lot of suffering Twin Flames and it doesn’t look like their partners are coming back any time soon or ever.

Have they ever considered that maybe the Universe does not want them together in this lifetime? What if they’re never going to reconnect? What then? Should they not open their hearts to any other romantic partners and continue to wait for their twin to come back? These people have never moved on from these broken relationships. The journey defeated them. A physical relationship and a spiritual connection are two different entities. They may come together to form a beautiful, harmonious union, but they also may conflict with each other.

If you think it’s going to be easy to find happiness, think again. The process is a BITCH. It will leave you in a pool or your tears, aching because your soul is being torn apart, facing your shadow self, fighting your Ego, looking inward and seeing all your flaws, literally praying to God to make the pain go away, begging Him to release you from the connection’s grip on you, and feeling like you’re dying every day. These people have found peace and happiness: Some are living separated from their twins; some have come back together and are in loving relationships with their twins. Everybody’s story is different.

 I would never judge somebody for not choosing to be with their twin. And I would never judge a person for choosing to be with their twin no matter how difficult the relationship. It’s free will. We are the masters of our own happiness and lives. Recently, I have discovered this is quite a polarizing topic within the Twin Flame community. There are many people who believe that once you meet a Twin Flame, you either end up together or you remain separated and are never capable of loving another man/woman.

 I have read countless blog posts from people whose twin has chosen not to have a physical relationship with them or won’t even talk to them. The other twin feels rejection, abandonment, and an immense loss while their twins find new partners, have new experiences, marry other soul connections, and start families. They seem to go on with their lives as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile the other twin is devastated, feeling abandoned and rejected. “How is this even possible?  We are meant to be together. He/she’s the other half of me. He/she is my one and only soul mate. How could he/she just abandon me?” they think to themselves.

 These scenarios happen all the time. It’s sad and it may not make sense to the people who are dealing with these situations, but it’s reality. We’re not meant to understand it. A soul connection is a special bond you have with another member of your soul family. Our Twin Flames are the soul mates with whom we have had the most lives, with whom we have the most karma, the ones who teach us the most and the hardest lessons; they are the ones who push our buttons the most; they are the ones who cause us the most pain; they are the ones who reflect all our karmic issues and emotional wounds; they are the ones who teach us how to love and be loved; they are the ones who clear away the veil so that we see the true beauty and magnificence of the Universe, BUT they are not necessarily the ones we are meant to marry, have 2.5 children, a Golden Retriever, the house with the white picket house in the suburbs. Our purpose for meeting them goes far beyond a physical relationship.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work the way we want it to. The Universe has a plan for us, and it’s not always what we had designed in our heads like the architects of life we try to be (myself included.) If we just trust in the Universe, things would go a lot smoother for us. When we tightly hold onto the reins of our lives, the energy stagnates. Nothing moves. Nothing happens. We wait and wait, and nothing changes in our lives. It’s when we surrender and let go and let the Universe do what it does best is when wonderful things manifest in our lives.

Not all Twin Flame couples are meant to be together. Some Twin Flame connections are not romantic at all! What happens when we love somebody more than we have ever loved anybody in our entire lives and suddenly they are ripped away from us, never to return? Where do we go from there? What do we do next? Do we wait for them to see the light and come back? We have two options: We can shrivel up, crawl into a ball and die, or we can fight our way through the loss, the pain, the misery, the fear, the depression, the anxiety, and do everything in our power to heal and make it to the other side from hell to paradise. Can it be done? YES! A million times yes. Spirit wants us to heal. Spirit wants us to find happiness. Spirit wants us to find love again with another soul connection from your soul family.

But the question is: WHAT DO WE WANT? This is our choice. Do we choose happiness, or do we choose imprisonment? Do we choose opening our hearts, living life out loud, experiencing every wonderful thing we wish to experience, or do we choose waiting, living in the past, closing our hearts, drowning in disappointment, heartbreak, and never moving on? I can assure you the journey is one of the most difficult emotional processes we can go through: It’s a battle we fight, because we know we have to; we know the alternative is no way to live. We see the people who are still suffering decades later, because they gave up fighting, and we vow that we will never let that happen to us.

We are fighters. We make it through to the other side of the journey because we believe that we can. And let’s say we have been suffering for decades, and we can’t seem to get over him/her, it’s NEVER too late. I promise when we decide to fight for our happiness, Spirit will do everything in its power to help us achieve that goal. That was my experience, and from what I’ve heard from others, it’s theirs as well. Spirit wants us to have abundance and joy. These connections bring us to the brink of madness and destruction, so we’ll finally stop trying to control the situation and let the Universe take over. In many cases, we have to hit rock bottom to reach the stage called “Surrender.”

Surrender is allowing life to unfold as its meant to without us acting like backseat drivers telling the Universe where it needs to take us and what routes it should take to get there. If you want to hang onto this connection, you want to wait, you’ll be waiting forever. A watched pot never boils. When you walk away from the pot, that’s when it starts boiling. Let go of the outcome. Let go of what you think should be. The Twin Flame couples who have separated and reconnected both reached the stage of Surrender. That’s why the reconnection occurred. I have an expression: “Your soul mate will never come back to you when you’re sobbing in a corner with tears and snot running down your face. (If it’s meant to happen) your soul mate will come back to you when you’re at your happiest and you don’t NEED anybody to make you happy.”

Years ago, a soul mate of mine left me. I tried calling him, and he would not even talk to me. I called once, and some girl he was dating answered the phone. I was devastated. He wanted nothing to do with me. My heart was shattered. One year later, I decided to go on a date, then we came back to my apartment to hang out, and guess who showed up at my door to say “Hi.” I could not make that story up if I tried, it was so ridiculous. The moral of the story is when I was at my happiest and was putting my energy elsewhere, that’s when this dipshit soul mate of mine reappeared.

Do you want something to happen? Get busy and live life, with or without your twin. And try to have as much fun as you can doing it. The connection is like an elastic band. When we push and chase, the band stretches farther away from us; when we pull away and put our energy elsewhere, the rubber band flicks back.

 Some reconnections never happen. Some do. Regardless, we have to keep on living. We must become warriors and push on even when it hurts, even when we think we can’t go on any further. If we keep going and fight our way through the journey, the other side of paradise is waiting for us. If we want it badly enough, we can make it happen. The battle can be fought: We can be victorious in the end.

Sexual Healing: Losing A Part Of Yourself

What happens when we meet our perfect match, the love of our lives, the man or woman who we believe to be our Twin Flame, and it all goes bad? How does it affect our sexuality, lust, and desires? It kills it. During a Twin Flame separation, the sexual fire fades to darkness. We become shells of ourselves, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. We lose ourselves.

Our sexual identity is shredded. There is nothing left. The thought of sex doesn’t appeal to us. We hope that our twins will come back to us. Only then can we fully express ourselves sexually again. Sex with our twins feels safe. It feels like home. But then that gets all pulled out from underneath us, and we’re sexually abandoned. We become frigid.

During my Twin Flame journey, it became a shameful secret I held within me: I didn’t want to have sex with anybody else. I didn’t want to kiss anybody else. I didn’t want to date anybody else. And so I didn’t. I felt so ashamed. I was a sexual widow. I had always considered myself a sexual person, but once I lost him, my veins turned to ice. I would touch my body to give myself pleasure, but the connection to him was so strong that it felt as if my body no longer belonged to me. I missed him so much that I would fall into a heap, crying trying to release the pain, but I never could. I could have cried a thousand tears, and it still wouldn’t have helped. Nothing did.

Men were attracted to me, and I wanted nothing to do with them. I did my best to hide from them. People would ask me if I was dating anybody, and I would say no and quickly change the subject. Nobody had any clue what I was going through. The sexual goddess within me had disappeared, and it was devastating. I blamed myself that I couldn’t just let him go. I beat myself up, because I couldn’t even date another man. I hated myself. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to move on. I didn’t even find men attractive anymore. Nobody compared to my twin. He was a god in my eyes. How could I ever be with another man when I was in love with a god?

These connections are all-encompassing, as they are meant to be. Because of this: We tend to see our twins as enigmatic, mystical beings. They regularly appear in our dreams, and we think about them all the time. But we never see them as who they are; we only see them as we think they are. Looking at pictures of my twin, he transformed into some magical man. He didn’t seem real. I saw him as a king, my king. And I was his queen. So how could the queen be with somebody other than the king? Why settle for a knight or a prince, when you have a king? She couldn’t. Why would she? Instead, she became a lady in waiting. Waiting and waiting for her king to come back to her, and then they would make sweet, passionate love. The queen could wait! It was worth it.

The longer I waited, the more depressed I became. I closed off my heart. My emotions felt shriveled. I didn’t want to open myself up to anybody. I wasn’t sexual, and I didn’t even care anymore. It was my dirty little secret. Nobody had to know how long it had been since I had been intimate. They didn’t have to know the last person I kissed was him. Nobody would ever find out. I would carry that with me. I could still do my make-up and wear sexy clothing. Nobody would ever know that I was living in a sexual desert. I lost that part of myself, but I didn’t know how to get it back. And honestly, because I was suffering from depression and anxiety, my sex life was on the bottom of my list of priorities.

I was lucky to get out of bed to go to work. I was barely functioning. The winter was one big blur of cold, miserable weather and my depression and anxiety. I was disintegrating, coming apart at the seams. I was on a downward spiral. I had tried so hard to get through it all, but it wasn’t enough. I was defeated. The connection was more powerful than me.

I went to see my healer, Maura, for a Reiki session. She asked me “What do you need help with?” And I said “I feel so blocked. I just want to feel some kind of emotion again and feel sexual again.” During the consultation before the healing, she asked me “When was your last relationship?” And I broke down. Spirit was guiding her. I wasn’t even going to bring him up. I didn’t want to make this healing session about him. I wanted to focus on my own healing. And my healing had nothing to do with him. But Maura was being guided to ask me questions about him, because that was the root of my misery.

It was destroying me. The Universe had been teaching me a hard lesson about enmeshment. I loved him so much that I had lost myself, and when we separated, I had put all the blame on myself. I beat myself up for the things in the situation I had no control over. I had felt like a failure, and I had been carrying around that guilt with me for two years.

 

There had been a part of me that had felt so badly about the way it played out with my twin, that I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. I didn’t deserve to feel pleasure, sexual or otherwise. And because of that, my sacral chakra had become blocked. I had closed off my sexual self, but also I had disconnected from the Divine feminine energy within myself. I didn’t feel like a goddess. I didn’t feel sensual. I didn’t feel anything. After the Reiki session, Maura gave me the message that my Divine feminine self was being shown to her as a baby lamb. She told me to cultivate it and be gentle with myself. The inner goddess was a baby lamb. It needed time to grow. Nothing had to be rushed. I had experienced a rebirth. I needed to have patience and compassion for myself.

Your sexual side never has to die completely. If you want it back, you can always work on bringing it back. But it doesn’t just happen overnight. It is a process. One that must not be hurried. You do not need to jump into the bed with the first man/woman you meet. It takes time to heal. Have patience with yourself and don’t try to force anything if you’re not ready. Think of it as entering a dark house and turning on all the lights one by one. Piece by piece, you put yourself back together again and the part that was once lost, you find.

 

Sweet Surrender: The Twin Flame Journey

When I was dealing with my Twin Flame connection, the advice that I was constantly given was to “let go” and “surrender.” My grandmother, who is a Shamballa Reiki healer/medium, advised me to “let go, let God” when I told her about separating from my soul connection. But how do you let go when you care so much? How do you suddenly tell yourself that you’re not going to worry about it when it’s all you can think about and when everything around you is showing you how connected you are to this other person? How is it even possible to surrender?

In my experience, the more I tried to surrender, the harder it became. I couldn’t let him go, no matter how much I wanted to. It was as if I was under a love spell that I couldn’t break. It tormented me all day into the night; and that’s how I lived for two years. I just accepted it as a way of life and pretended to be happy around my family and friends. I knew that I had to surrender it to the Universe and trust that everything that was meant to be for the highest good would be, but it was impossible.

Surrender is not something you can force, it just happens. What I discovered is we reach a point where we bottom out; we’re incapable of feeling more pain and loss. All the tears have dried up, and we have nothing left of our emotions to give. It is when we discover that our ultimate happiness and well-being are more important than another person, regardless of how connected we are to them, that we find release and freedom again.

It’s the equivalent of coming to a point in a battle where we can’t go on any further, because we know we are no match for our opponent, in this case, the Universe. We wave our white flag and surrender once and for all. We finally let go of the outcome. And we trust that everything will work out for the highest good, but we also accept that we may or may not end up with our twins. We reach a point where it no longer matters; our meticulously structured fairy tale ending we had once dreamed about fades, and a bright optimism about the endless possibilities of the future take shape.

We were once caged birds, and now we are free to fly again. A new life begins. Doors open. Opportunities present themselves. Loving souls come into our lives. We no longer worry about what will be, and we stop trying to plan out our lives, because we have learned that it is a losing battle. Whatever will be, will be.

As John Lennon said “Life happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

Twin Flame Challenges

“Love that is not madness is not love.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca

During my Twin Flame journey, one thing I kept asking myself was “Why is this so hard?” I had always thought when you met the love of your life, everything would be smooth sailing. But when I met my twin, there was nothing easy about it. Meeting him triggered all my issues.

Something about him brought out a deep-seated fear in me, which manifested itself as severe anxiety. I had never felt this before when I was first dating somebody. It was intense. What was supposed to be a wonderful time of getting to know each other and building a foundation never seemed to give me any pleasure. I was so scared that it was going to end that I could never enjoy it. I put on a good face for him, but he had no idea the personal hell I was suffering through. My head was a prison of negative thinking and fear. I was in a constant state of worry. I just wanted him to love me. And nothing else mattered in my life except that need for him to love me.

All my fears, all the dysfunctions, all the toxic thoughts reared their ugly heads, which ultimately caused our separation. Meeting my twin drove me to madness. Why? Because he connected me to MYSELF. Twin Flames are made from the same soul: One is the Divine feminine, and the other is the Divine masculine. Regardless of what we may have read: These are two different entities, and they do not need one another to be complete. If we meet our Twin Flame, and we don’t have a relationship with him/her or the relationship ends, it’s okay. We are whole with or without the other twin. We must never believe otherwise.

By connecting me to myself, I was forced to deal with my mind, which was the equivalent of a cluttered attic that needed a good cleaning, but I never wanted to take the time to do it. Once I met my twin, the universe grabbed hold of me and said “Guess what you’re going to be working on! YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR ATTIC. You’ve put it off long enough!” And the universe will lock the door until the job is done. This is why we feel chained to our twins. We can’t escape the connection until we clean our attics.

People have asked me “How do you know what your issues are?” And I always tell them “They reveal themselves to you over the course of an introspection process.” If you start to look inward, the universe will show you what they are. Embrace it: This is your lifetime to heal.

Your issues may manifest themselves in your dreams. If you’re dreaming of your twin, how is he/she acting toward you? How is the dream making you feel? If there are other people in the dream, how are they acting? How are they making you feel? Keep a pad of paper by your bed, so you can write them down. When you have a dream, immediately write down whatever you remember. The longer you’re awake after a dream, the more you’ll forget.

During this time, you may want to meditate for at least 5 minutes every day. This will center you and connect you to your Higher Self. You may even receive guidance easier after meditating. And it’s a fantastic way to relax. If you don’t like meditation, try yoga. My yoga instructor calls yoga “moving meditation.” It works the same way, only you get a great workout at the same time.

Buy a journal. Write down any songs or phrases that pop into your head. If you hear a random conversation where you have a gut feeling that you’re meant to hear it, listen closely. Pay attention to your thoughts. If you feel guided to read a certain book, take a class, or even schedule an appointment for some type of self-improvement session or therapy, do it!

Your Spirit Guides and Angels are doing everything they can to help you heal. All you have to do is listen to your intuition. You will be surprised by everything you discover about yourself. It’s as if there is a magnifying glass on all your broken pieces. The universe wants you to fix yourself once and for all. And it uses this Twin Flame connection to do it.

Looking inward is difficult: This is the reason why many twins run from the connection. It’s easier to run than it is to face our issues. My twin decided not to do the inner work. The universe gave him the opportunity, but he chose otherwise.

I spent two years carrying the guilt and pain of him not choosing the path to heal. It was destroying me. It took for me to sink into a deep depression that I could no longer fight my way through, to realize I needed help. I had hit bottom. I was in an abyss that I couldn’t escape. I was a shell of the person I once was. I knew I needed to book a session with my spiritual teacher/healer. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. Something had to change. I had to save my life.

My Reiki healer told me I was ready to let him go. It was time. I had learned my lessons. And she told me that I had to let him heal himself and not to feel any more blame. I had to now focus on myself and my happiness.

My soul was enmeshed in his soul, taking on all his issues and emotional wounds. It’s no wonder I felt like I was drowning in hopelessness all the time. I wanted him to heal so badly, that I was trying to do all the work for him. It was the equivalent of me cleaning out his attic night and day until I was exhausted and ready to pass out while he was out having fun, doing everything to avoid it. But that’s not how it works: He needs to clean his own attic! And if he doesn’t want to clean it, it’s not my problem.

We have to let our twins do their own healing. And we can’t help them or rush the process. If our twins do not choose to heal, there is nothing we can do. We have to let them go. We have to envision them walking with us down a path. I like to imagine it as the “Yellow Brick Road.” We’re holding hands with our twins, and suddenly our twins stop and say “I can’t go any further. I’m not ready to go where you’re heading.” And with that, we give them a loving hug and let go of their hand and continue on our way.

We have to realize that letting them go is a way for us to express our unconditional love to them. We can’t drag them, and they don’t want to be dragged. We have to accept that our journey continues regardless if they’re by our sides. And we must know that they will always be connected to our souls. Nothing will ever change that. How can we ever be separated if their soul is perpetually touching ours? And one of the biggest challenges of the Twin Flame connection is not only understanding that truth, but taking comfort in it.

 

Divine Connections: I Believe in Love

Over the past year, I’ve switched back and forth from label to label, trying to pinpoint my soul connection. Is he a soul mate? Is he a Twin Flame? Is he just the love of my life? What is he to me? Who is he? And it’s taken me much analysis, much research, to realize that love has no labels. And honestly, the universe doesn’t need you to label it.

The universe wants you to trust in the power of the connection and how it will transform you if you allow it. Transformation is an incredible thing: It’s one of the most miraculous, life-changing experiences, but you must have total faith in the process, which can be incredibly difficult.

Love is love. It’s an all-encompassing feeling that fills your whole mind, body, and soul with warmth. Why put a label on something so pure and beautiful? The answer is: You don’t need to, ever.

Everybody has free will in every lifetime. Ultimately, you choose who you want to be with, and labels are nothing but words on paper. Soul connections don’t care about your labels. They honor a whole other set of spiritual rules. Only your ego wants to label this perfect connection that’s been blessed by the universe; and it will drive you absolutely insane trying to figure it out. I suggest you don’t even bother, and leave that nasty ego at the door where it belongs.

Your ego has no clue about the spiritual world, and it’s not supposed to: It has other purposes. It helps shape your personality, but when it comes to dealing with Divine connections, it’s a downright nuisance. Your ego will keep you up at night, wracked with anxiety trying to figure it all out.

“What is happening to me?! Who is this person? Why am I so connected to them? Why is it they are the only person I can think about every waking moment of my life? Why am I being cursed!”: These are all thoughts that will cross your mind at some point after you meet this person. And you’ll desperately search the internet and read books to make sense of it. I did – for months.

You may even spend hundreds of dollars on constant psychic readings, asking if this is an indeed a “soul mate” or a “Twin Flame.” And even if the psychic tells you “Yes, this is your Twin Flame!”, where does that get you? Nowhere. You’re still back in the same situation. Nothing changed, except you fed your greedy little ego for a few temporary moments, and now you’re out $50. How do you feel? The same. In a few days, you start doubting what the psychic said, now here comes the extreme anxiety and fear, greeting you once again like an old friend.

You run back online to do some more research. You may even buy “soul mate” or “Twin Flame” books to really get to the bottom of this. You have to know! “Who is this person who is turning my life upside down! What is the label for this obsession?!”

The vicious cycle continues, and it’s only kept you from what you really need to do, which is to work on YOURSELF, and by not working on yourself, you’re not achieving what the universe wants for you. And if you’re separated from your soul partner, until you’ve worked on yourself, you will not have the chance to reconnect with this person. Some will reconnect, others will not. It all depends on choices of the couple and free will.

If you don’t do the inner work, you’re telling the universe “Nope, I’m not ready to be with him/her!” Until you become a rock,  you can never be somebody else’s rock. The inner work will transform you, and in turn, it will transform the connection. If both partners have the desire to heal, they will come back together to do it.

Call him/her whatever you want. All the labels in the world won’t make it so you don’t have to fix yourself. The universe plays hardball whether you like it or not. You either get on the field with your catcher’s mitt, or you spend the rest of the time sitting on the bench waiting for nothing to happen. Love is all you ever need to believe in. It will change your whole world whether you’re ready or not.

How to Live When You Feel Like Dying Part I: The Twin Flame Connection

For a solid two years since I had met and separated from my Twin Flame, my existence seemed like a nightmare that I could never escape. I would wake up in so much emotional agony every morning that I felt like was dying or wanted to die. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself; it’s just I didn’t want to live in misery anymore. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel pain that deeply.

My heart and soul felt shredded. My stomach was in constant knots. People would try to talk to me, and I couldn’t pay attention to what they were saying. And I lived in silent misery, because the people around me had no idea what I was going through. How could they!

Until you have lived through a Twin Flame connection, you have no clue. You could read a thousand books about Twin Flames and still have no fucking idea. You just don’t know until you have gone through it, period. This is why the experience can feel so lonely and isolating. Because you know if you told somebody about it, they would think you were a crazy, obsessed freakshow, so you don’t say a word. You suffer in silence. And at times, you question if you actually are a crazy, obsessed freakshow. I did many times.

My head was a continuous loop of memories from the past: I thought about him every minute of my day. I only dreamed of him. My world was tinted with reflections of him through all the signs and synchronicities. I felt as if I were Alice in Wonderland, always chasing the elusive White Hare, but never catching him. That was my Twin Flame: He was my White Hare. When I lost him, I fell down the rabbit hole and was taken on a spectacular, magical, and devastating spiritual journey that changed my life forever and opened my eyes to who I was and who I needed to become.

I learned many lessons along the way: relationship lessons, love lessons, and soul lessons. And it was all because of the connection to him.

I cannot emphasize this enough: You will not break the chains that are binding you to your twin in this connection until you learn all the lessons. That feeling of being imprisoned by invisible ties will remain. We must learn our lessons to release ourselves. It is the only way. Cord cutting will not work in this type of connection. Think of the universe as a strict school teacher who won’t let you leave class until you’ve finished your test.

So how do we learn the lessons? We have to become hermits, in a sense. That doesn’t mean we can’t go out and live our lives and enjoy ourselves; it means that we have to find the answers within us through deep introspection. Through that self-reflection, the patterns of our relationships with our families and our lovers will reveal the lessons that the universe wants us to learn and is currently being shown to us by the “Mirror Effect” aka the symbolic mirror our twins are holding up to us to show us what has been holding us back in the way we love and how we receive love.

One lesson that seems to be prevalent within soul connections is: Enmeshment. aka codependency, enmeshment is where you entangle yourself (emotionally and even energetically) in somebody so much that you lose yourself. You only care about what they think, what they want, and you forget about what you want. You will do anything to keep them. You may want to save them. You may want to heal them. You feel as if you no longer exist unless you are together. You think they complete you in some way. You may view yourself as the only person who can help them. At some point in the relationship or even after, you may have stopped caring about yourself and what makes you happy.

Think for a moment how you felt once you and your twin separated: Did you give up living in a sense? Did your whole world crumble because he/she was missing from your life? Did you stop thinking about your own happiness and only focused on your twin and what he/she was doing; what he/she was telling you in dreams; what he/she was communicating to you telepathically; or even what psychic or tarot readings were telling you? Sound familiar? Of course, because we’ve ALL lived it. I lived in a state of emotional/karmic pain, heartbreak, misery, ruin, and hopelessness for two solid years.

You’re thinking: “But he/she is half of my soul! Of course I feel that way! He/she is my Twin Flame!” Yes, and I understand exactly why you feel that way; however, this is exactly how the universe teaches us this lesson. How better to learn this lesson of enmeshment than to face a soul mate who is already literally tethered to your soul! That’s why this lesson is such a bitch to learn. Some lessons are harder than others, but this one is downright brutal. It seems like a cruel joke played on us by the universe. But you have to believe that we were chosen to take on this journey because we are stronger than most.

If I weren’t as strong as I am, I know that at some point, I would have died from it. And I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at times. When our whole word turns to darkness, how do we continue to live? And yet, we do. Because we are stronger than we give ourselves credit, we triumph. The Twin Flame journey may batter and bruise us, but it never defeats us.

The blackness turns to light because we are the chariots of our own destiny. And the love that has been awakened within us by the Divine love we feel for our twin illuminates the world. We are the warriors who make the world spin with Love and Light.

 

 

Mastering Your Own Destiny

One expression that I cannot stand is: “It was meant to be.” And I’ll tell you why I hate that stupid cliché, because it takes away our power; it takes away our free will and our choices. In relationships, we need to stop thinking in terms of “meant to be.” We need to start believing in the strength of our own decisions to create the lives and relationships we desire.

I have met two men in my life who I would’ve sworn on my soul that we were “meant to be”, but we were not. What does that tell you about the feeling that it’s “meant to be?”

Now if we break up with somebody who we truly believe we are meant to be with, how devastated do you think we’d be that we’re no longer together? We think: “If we are meant to be together, then why is he/she gone? What did I do wrong?” As we cry our tears and pour out our hearts to our friends, we tell them: “It was meant to be! We are supposed to be together!” To which they nod their heads and listen to us weep, being the good friends they are.

“Meant to be” holds us back from truly living and in times of separation from people we love, it chains us to our past. I have known many people (and have been one) who are dealing with the loss of a relationship, and they can’t move on, because they believe in “meant to be.” We are told that if something is meant to be, then it will happen, but does that really mean? And in cases where you miss your lost love/Twin Flame/soul mate, having faith that the universe is conspiring to bring you two back together because it’s “meant to be” only creates severe disappointment and feelings of loss.

Getting hung up on what you think the universe is and should be doing for you is the worst thing you can focus on. I wasted two years of my life waiting for something to happen. At one point, I was so angry that nothing was happening, I remember thinking “Fuck the universe.”

I felt betrayed by the universe at times. But it was because I didn’t realize that the power to change my life had been within me all along. It was as if I was stuck in molasses and my life was not moving. Nothing new was coming into it. But what I didn’t realize is that we create the new. And we can only manifest new when we let go of the old.

My mind was trapped in a glass case that held all the memories I had of my Twin Flame, because I couldn’t stop holding on to “meant to be.” “Meant to be” was supposed to bring us back together. I thought: “If something is “meant to be”, then it’s supposed to happen, right? All those soulmate/Twin Flame quotes told me as such. He’s got to come back then. How could he not? We’re Twin Flames. We are connected to each other’s souls. All I see are signs pointing me to him! Then why aren’t we together?”

Once I broke through the illusion of “meant to be”, I understood that free will and destiny create a dance together. Some things are meant to happen: Yes, absolutely. We are meant to meet certain people in our lives: Yes! But what we do with those meetings are our choices as human beings with free will. The people we meet have those choices as well. In a relationship, two people’s choices create the outcome.

“Meant to be” means absolute shit. We were meant to meet for a variety of soul reasons, but that’s where it ends. The future is something that you and the other person form together. And if it doesn’t work out, the universe is more than happy to send us another romantic partner your way, if we are open to love and ready for it. We have many soul mates. We just have to know how to manifest them and believe that we can. And when we are ready, they will appear. Once we stop dwelling on the ideal of “meant to be”, we may find love in the most unexpected places.

Image via Bigg World

All the Signs That Bind You: Twin Flame Connections

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind

Signs – Five Man Electrical Band

 

One of the most confusing, and downright annoying aspects of the Twin Flame connection are the never ending signs or what is known as synchronicity. Synchronicity is when you experience two or more coincidental occurrences that are linked to another. I refer to this phenomenon as “signs.”

The signs were the absolute worst part for me, because we had already separated, and all I wanted was to stop missing him. I wanted to get on with my life without him. I was consumed by thoughts of only him. I could not escape from the connection no matter how hard I tried.

There was a not a day that went by where I didn’t see or hear his name numerous times. He lived in New York City, and suddenly it seemed as if the roads were filled with cars with New York license plates. People were constantly having conversations about New York. Everybody I met was from New York. Any time I heard somebody’s cell phone go off around me, you could guarantee that they would mention New York during the conversation.

I would go to a bar and see people who looked like him. There were times I would see license plates with one word on them, and the word would resonate for me, because it brought back a memory of a moment we had shared together. It was the craziest thing, but it happened all the time. Everything around me reminded me of him. And it was overwhelming as hell. I would try to explain the signs to my closest friends, but people had no idea what it was like, because they had never experienced it. They listened to me, but they probably thought I was under stress from a broken heart and imagining it.

How do you get over somebody when you’re constantly shown how connected you are to each other? You don’t! The universe was chasing me. I didn’t understand why everything around me was about my twin. Everything in my world led back to him, but why? It gave me hope that we would reconnect, and that hope almost killed me. I thought “How could I see so many signs of this man that I love and would do anything to have him back for it not to mean that we will be together again? How is that even possible?” Unfortunately, it is.

all the signs that bind youI have read many stories of Twin Flame separations where one twin experiences these seemingly coincidental signs. No matter how much they try to run from the soul connection, they are continuously reminded of it by the universe through all the synchronicity. From my personal situation, the more I tried to “run” or forget the connection, the more I would see signs.

Let’s look at this piece of the puzzle from a spiritual standpoint first: The reason why you met your twin was to conquer all those deep issues that both of you had been carrying all your lives. That is the whole purpose. It does not matter if you end up married, living in the suburbs with three kids and a Golden Retriever. That’s not how the connection works.

The outcome of your romantic relationship is not a priority; it is only secondary to each other’s healing. The relationship outcome is dependent on you and your twin’s personal choices. So you see more signs when you’re trying to escape the connection, because the connection is what heals you. The universe wants you to heal. That’s all it cares about.

If he/she is no longer in your life due to separation, the only way you’ll fix yourself is to be reminded of that person. It’s the equivalent of the “Mirror Effect” where they reflect your issues back to you and vice versa, as if both of you are holding up mirrors. In my case, I faced my issues because my connection to him held me captive until I did. There were also lessons that I was supposed to learn. And once I learned those lessons, the chains that energetically bound me to him dissolved.

If you are in the midst of a Twin Flame connection, and you are experiencing signs, use them as a learning tool. Every time you see his/her name or a sign pointing you to them, think “What do I need to change about myself? What is the universe trying to help me heal?” The one mistake you need not to make is to think that these signs are a premonition of what’s to come in the future for you and your twin. I wasted months into years thinking my love would come back to me because of all the signs, and he never did. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn:  As much as we don’t want to believe it, sometimes we love our soul mates more than they love us.

What You Need to Know About the Twin Flame Connection

Twin Flames meet to heal and transform each other. That is their only purpose. The universe doesn’t care if you have a romantic relationship with each other. You are contracted to meet. What you do with that meeting is between you and your twin. Through free will, each is given the choice to heal or not. Some may choose to stay despite the rollercoaster of emotions and intense love and heal. Some may choose to run away and never come back and not heal.

In the case of my twin, he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see. That was the message given to me by Spirit. I desperately wanted to heal his wounded soul, but he didn’t want that. Healing his emotional karma meant that he would have to do introspection and inner work, and he chose not to. His life consists of parties and friends; he engages in anything that will distract him from having to look at himself.

Once we separated, he built a wall between us, so he would be able to block me out forever. And it worked. After a few attempts over the past two years on my part to communicate with him, he ignored me. The rejection almost killed me.

Through his rejection of me, I was pushed into the depths of my soul to face my deepest, most painful issues. I was forced to look within and fix the broken pieces of myself. I spent what seemed like an eternity healing my emotional/karmic wounds. I thought the process would never end.

I grew increasingly more depressed and anxious, trying to repair all the damaged parts of myself, with the hopes that through my healing, my twin would heal himself and we would get back together. It never happened. And it will most likely never happen in this lifetime.

I have finally come to a point where I am completely content with that thought. He has chosen his path, and all I can do is to respect his choice. I have chosen my path as well. He wouldn’t be happy with the type of deep love that I wish to have with a man. And I wouldn’t be happy with the type of surface love that he seeks. He is too damaged to truly love somebody. I am healed and ready to love with every cell of my being. Our paths are different.

I see the type of woman he has chosen as a girlfriend, and it’s made me realize who he is. It was the one thing I had never been able to see in the situation. With Twin Flames, you fall in love with their souls first. I loved his soul, and because of that I assumed I knew the type of person he was. I was under the impression, he was authentic, but he was the furthest thing from that.

He tries to be everything he’s not, because he is too wounded to be his true self. Hurt people are frightened to show people who they truly are. He hides his emotions and wears “masks.” For a brief moment in time, he showed me his true self, but it was fleeting. And once he hid it again, I desperately tried to bring it back, but he wouldn’t allow it. That was the beginning of the end for us.

During our fight, I called him out on it. I told him he that he was full of shit, and he tried to pretend he didn’t have feelings for me when he did. I basically said he tried to be somebody he was not so he wouldn’t have to be himself. This is what Twin Flames do to each other: they stir up the shit. They try to make each other see what needs to be fixed. I was basically holding up a mirror to him, saying “You need to fix this about yourself.”

There were mistakes I made that night, and I have forgiven myself. Flying off the handle is never the way to deal with a situation. Pushing somebody to be their authentic selves, or even pushing them to heal themselves is never the solution.

The experience made me learn many lessons about myself, as well as dealing with other people. You can’t make somebody do something they don’t want to do. He did not want to heal. And he didn’t want to give me a chance to help him heal. His soul had made a choice. There was no changing that.

I am sick of reading post after post on Twin Flame relationships, where the twin is pining after the other for years and years, and there is no talk of anything new. Where are the stories about how the twins never came back together, but they found happiness with other people? Does it ever happen? Nobody knows, because nobody ever writes about new relationships. By what I’ve gathered from reading stories online, apparently, you meet your twin, and if it doesn’t work out, you’re screwed, doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. That’s far from the truth, but by the lack of information on the internet, that’s what would they would lead you to believe.

Blog after blog, article after article, it’s the same bullshit: Somebody met their twin; it was love at first sight. Everything was heaven on earth, but then something happened and they split apart. Now one of the twins is in complete agony from the separation and the other one is living life, having romantic relationships, totally unaffected. Sound familiar?

From what I’ve seen, and I’ve read everything there is on Twin Flames, the internet is inundated with only the romantic elements of the Twin Flame journey without any of the reality. Nobody ever mentions getting back together after a Twin Flame separation. And nobody discusses new relationships. So what, you just crawl into a ball after you separate from your twin and die alone?? All the stayers turn into Miss Havisham, waiting for a phone that will never ring, or the return of a twin that will never happen? Give me a fucking break.

Part of the reason why this connection is so difficult, is because there is so little comfort or information available. It seems as if every Twin Flame blog I go to, is just a bunch of copied and pasted crap from somewhere else. Nobody has anything new to say about it. It leads me to believe that the people who are writing about this specific connection have no clue what they’re talking about; or they have never experienced the phenomenon but are trying to to make money by writing about it or by advertising their “Twin Flame” readings.

Let me tell you one thing about “Twin Flame” readings, Spirit will only give you the information they want you to know at that time. In the midst of one of these connections, it’s best to look within for the answers, or connect with a Reiki or shamanic healer to guide you and heal your energetic blockages along the way.

During this particular journey: Tarot readings are not the answer. I love tarot cards, but these connections go too deep for you to be able to get a good reading. The energy between the twins fluctuates so much and so sporadically that your readings will never be entirely accurate. Trust me on this one. I tried reading for myself, as well as getting tarot readings by one of the best psychics in my city for two years, and there were many times, both of us got it wrong.

In my experience, my Reiki shamanic healer, Maura, was able to help me the most.

Maura has saved my life many times during this incredibly heart-wrenching process. She was the one who was able to clear out the last of the negative energy and pain that I had been holding on to since the end of 2011. She is available for distance healing if any of you are looking for a healer who can help them. I highly recommend an intuitive healing session with her. My life would never be the same without her. If you are unable to book an appointment with her, seek out a Reiki healer. It is one of the best decisions I ever made during my spiritual journey.

If you are going through a Twin Flame or soul mate connection and you have questions about the journey, please feel free to contact me through this blog. I will be happy to talk to you about your specific situation and give you some guidance. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.

The one line that I have said to myself to help me heal the past and let it go is:
“I did the best I could being the person I was at that time.”

Image via Last Light Art by Adam LoRusso

I Was a Twin Flame Runner: My Story

Last year, in the midst of my Twin Flame journey when I was in the deepest agony, I turned to a now defunct website devoted to Twin Flames called Twin Soul Revelations for support. It was run by a woman named Skye, who closed that site and opened another called Mirror Spirits. She writes quite extensively on the subject of Twin Souls aka Twin Flames. She knew I was a Runner in my Twin Flame connection, so she asked me to write a piece from the Runner’s perspective. She was kind enough to publish it on her blog under my pseudonym, Belladonna.
Recently, I was trying to locate a copy of it, and Googled to see if it was available online so I could post it here. I was surprised that it had been spread to several websites. However, my name is unlisted. This is my story, and I stand by every word I wrote. People need to know what it’s like to be the Runner in a Twin Flame connection. They need to understand how it feels, and how blinded by fear they are. They need to see how a Runner choses fear over love, because that’s all they’ve ever known.
 
I will be posting more on the topic of Twin Flames, and the Runner/Chaser dynamic. I have been both. I was the Runner, then something changed, and I became the Chaser. My twin is currently running from the connection, but most importantly, he’s running from himself.
 
This is my story:
i was a twin flame runner

I am a Runner. I ran from the connection. It literally took me 6 months to even see that I was the one who was running. What you have to understand about the Runner is they are in absolute agony, and they are being pulled by the energy of the connection, which is absolutely maddening.

I felt my own pain, but I also felt my Twin Soul’s pain. It was a feeling of panic. I would wake up with it, and it was the most awful feeling. The only way I can describe it is waking up from a sound, peaceful sleep and in a matter of seconds, you feel extreme anxiety and this ungodly feeling of loss. Your heart is actually hot and it pounds; your chest is sweating. It’s the sensation of a nightmare where you’re being chased, only you’re awake. That’s how I would wake up every morning.  

Combined with feeling his pain and emotions, I was also feeling this incredible pull towards him. Everything in my body was telling me that I need to be with this man. But, something was telling me inside that I was not ready. Something was telling me I needed to really look hard at myself and my issues and fix myself, so what happened with my Twin Soul would never happen again.

I knew that even if he called me and told me how much he missed and loved me, I would still be a mess. There would never be a happily ever after until I did the work on myself. So I ran. And by running, I dove further into myself (if that makes sense) to fix what was broken inside me.

I stopped going out with my friends and became a hermit. I worked and came home, and that’s it. I was in an emotional coma. I was dealing with the loss of my Twin Soul, the strong energies that were pulling me to him, his pain, my own pain, and to top it all off, I was going through a spiritual awakening: I was a mess.
i was a twin flame runnerBut I also knew this was my time to fix all my issues. I knew I had to run and be myself to do it. I love my Twin Soul so much that I didn’t want him to have to deal with me until I had fixed myself. So I disappeared. I took myself off Facebook, and I became a ghost. I honestly didn’t even know I was running from him.
 
In the meantime, I saw signs every day telling me that this connection to him was the real deal. I felt chased by the Universe. I kept thinking “Please leave me alone! I’m just trying to get over him, and you’re making this really hard!” In my head, I thought he was the one who had run out on me. That’s how crazy these connections can make you. The energy is so strong that you feel like you’re going insane.
It wasn’t until April/May 2012, when I had the realization that I was the one who had run, and I was the one who was still running. I saw everything clearly and I thought about our fight and the way things had played out. And I realized that I couldn’t deal with the intensity of the connection anymore, so I said “If you want me gone, I’m gone.”

I saw it as me giving him an out because I thought that’s what he wanted, but he didn’t. He ended up taking the out because he thought I wanted it. We mirrored each other’s fears. I’m sure by forcing his hand to end it, I broke his heart. I hurt him, but I hurt myself, too, in unfathomable ways. Even as spiritually awakened as I was, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I couldn’t see that I was the one who had ended it. I couldn’t see that I was running.

Runners leave the relationship out of fear. They are scared to death. They are frightened of the intense love they feel for their Twin Soul. They are so terrified that this feeling of love is one-sided that they high-tail it out of the relationship as fast as their sneakers can take them! But where does this fear come from? The fear comes from deep-seated issues that have plagued this person for not only all of this lifetime, but previous lifetimes.
This is what is meant by “karma.” Karma is soul memory. In our past lives, we experience many things that will teach us lessons. These lessons can come in the form of losing the loves of our lives, being abandoned, betrayal by somebody we love, or even somebody killing us, and the soul never forgets. The pain of all those things resonates within us, until we do the work to clear and heal the karma and the issues, once and for all, which is exactly what Twin Soul connections do.

 

But nothing about the process is easy. It’s incredibly painful. It truly is a blessing, but it will feel like a curse sometimes. It’s the universe’s way of fixing us. With extreme pain, comes change and transformation. During these separations, only until you have seen the darkness will you see the sun. It is something that we must accept as we move through this spiritual journey.
By meeting the Twin Soul, a mirror is held up in front of the Runner’s eyes, and they can see everything that is wrong with them. All those issues of self-love, abandonment, codependency, etc., come to the surface. Suddenly, this person sees their issues, issues that they’ve avoided for possibly lifetimes, and it’s terrifying, so they run, run, run. They don’t even know what they’re running from. They just know they need to get out. And by getting out, they leave their Twin Soul behind. Many of you may blame your Runners for walking out on you, starting new relationships, and rejecting one of the most Divine unions a person can ever be blessed to have, but you have to realize that this is all part of their journey to find themselves. They cannot be with you until they do that.
Some people aren’t as spiritually enlightened, so it’s going to take them longer to find their way back to you. Some people will try to distract themselves any way they can (relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc.) so they don’t have to face their issues, but trust me, they don’t have a choice. They can put it off, but it will happen. You can’t fight the universe.
When I ran from my Twin Soul, I loved him more than I loved myself, because I didn’t know how to love myself, which was one of my issues. True love must come from within before you can give it to another person. You have to love yourself first, or a relationship will never work between you two. There is no way around it either: Once the energies between Twin Souls become unbalanced, you separate, and the universe forces you to balance the energies, whether you like it or not. The only way to come back together is for each of you to work on yourself separately. Only through inner love and happiness will a reconnection take place.
In the meantime, you have to accept that they are on a personal journey, and you can’t blame them or feel that they’ve abandoned you. They haven’t. It all goes deeper than it seems. What you see on the surface is a person who has left you because they don’t care about you, but if you look into the spiritual side, you will see they have left because they love you so much that they have to become stronger just so they can handle the firestorm of love and emotions they truly feel.
They have to be able to look at you aka their “Mirror”, and like what they see. Some of them aren’t ready to do that. Some of them haven’t found the love within themselves yet. And some of them have a deep soul knowing that they’re not ready to be with you. It’s okay. Let them find themselves. And if that involves having other relationships, you must accept it is a part of their journey, as difficult as that may be.
No pushing on your part will ever make them come back. They will come back when it’s time. The only thing you can do is do the inner work, find peace amidst the chaos, and balance amidst the pain and pull of the connection, and love yourself. Loving yourself is the key to surviving this Divine connection. Without love in your heart, you will only experience pain. And ultimately, the pain will keep you from reconnecting. Love will bring you back to each other. And if it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, love will always bring you back to your true SELF.

My Spiritual Awakening: How It All Began

My spiritual awakening happened as if a veil had been lifted, and I could see something that had always been there, but my eyes had been covered. But there’s something so disconcerting about seeing the world one way for 36 years, and then all of a sudden, viewing it a completely different way. I constantly wondered if other people were seeing the same electric reds and oranges in the sky or the white tufts of cotton clouds that looked as if they had been painted in watercolors. I questioned my sanity many times. It was impossible not to.

You feel so alone. Even the people you love the most do not understand what you’re going through. Some days, you feel like you’re dying. Your ego fights your true self, and your ego tells you that you need to feel a certain way, and if you don’t feel that way, you’re not “normal.” Your true self aka Higher Self shouts it from the tree tops that everything is in perfect order and this is the way that you’re supposed to feel, but there’s the little voice, the ego telling you it’s not. So all you do is doubt the experience, even though it’s happening right in front of your eyes.

The awakening revealed itself to me in magical, beautiful ways: It was as if the mystery of the Universe was unraveling before my eyes. Suddenly, everything felt in sync. Many times, flocks of birds flew over my car as I drove, in perfect synchronicity Repeating numbers and triple digit numbers like “222″ or “777″ appeared everywhere as I noticed the world around me more and more. I constantly heard random conversations that were somehow always connected to my Twin Flame and the city where he lived. The more I recognized the signs, the more I saw. During the first year of my separation from him, the signs bombarded me in a spiritual frenzy of synchronicity.

My awakening was triggered by separating from the man I loved, my Twin Flame. We were so connected that I felt his emotions even though we were hundreds of miles apart, and at times, I sensed his energy around me. Once, I actually heard him say something to me in my head. It was the feeling of loving somebody times a thousand and losing them times a million. The pain of losing a soul partner is unbearable. I’m honestly surprised that I’m still alive: There were some days, I thought I would die of a broken heart and a shredded soul.

Even though we had technically known each for a few months, I felt like we had known each other for years. When we separated, a part of my soul died, or at least it felt as if it had. This was not regular breakup pain; this was an incredible, unrelenting pain that was embedded so deep in my soul that I had never experienced anything even close to it. It had felt like somebody I had been married to for 50 years had died. Regardless of whether or not we are in each other’s lives: We have a soul connection. We are Twin Flames.

Nothing will ever change that. Our connection is spiritual. The romantic relationship that we had was secondary to it. This is a Divine connection. We were meant to meet to heal and transform each other. I like to refer to Twin Flames as “Fire and Ice Partners” because they challenge one another, (as they’re supposed to.) The fire is always trying to melt the ice, and the ice is always trying to put out the fire. This is why Twin Flame connections are not easy and many of them do not last.

These Divine connections will shake your world upside down. It’s a roller coaster, and the only thing you can do is stay on the ride. This is the reason why you can’t talk to anybody about these Twin Flame connections. The people you try to talk to have no clue what you’re talking about, because until you’ve lived it, you have no idea and you can’t even fathom how intense and spiritually charged these connections are. It’s like climbing Mt. Everest and trying to relate to a room full of people who have never been on a mountain. This connection and separation from him is by far, the most powerful and painful experience of my entire life.

It took me six months to process the connection and ultimately, the awakening. During those crucial months, I wasn’t there: I was in an emotional coma. Everything in my world seemed to stop moving, and I fell into an abyss that I finally crawled out of after two years of solid misery and emotional pain. My mind was always fighting it, always choosing to intellectualize the awakening. Unfortunately for me, being in my head is where I feel the most comfortable. I analyze everything I’m going through a thousand times until my head is a jumbled mess.

At the time of my awakening, my ego and soul were not aligned, therefore the two were always at odds with each other. My ego kept trying to deny the spiritual awakening and the entire Twin Flame process of clearing and healing karma. But my soul knew everything was happening as it should be, and I was just where I needed to be at that point in my life. Everything was going to according to Divine plan, but my ego fought it all, tooth and nail.

Now I am learning to live in the moment. It is a lesson for me. I have many lessons to learn, and soul connections and spiritual awakenings make you face those lessons head on. You have no choice but to learn them. You can’t fight the Universe, as much as you want or try. The more you try to resist what the Universe wants for you, the more resistance you will experience. Once you let the reins go, everything will flow.