Mastering Your Own Destiny

One expression that I cannot stand is: “It was meant to be.” And I’ll tell you why I hate that stupid cliché, because it takes away our power; it takes away our free will and our choices. In relationships, we need to stop thinking in terms of “meant to be.” We need to start believing in the strength of our own decisions to create the lives and relationships we desire.

I have met two men in my life who I would’ve sworn on my soul that we were “meant to be”, but we were not. What does that tell you about the feeling that it’s “meant to be?”

Now if we break up with somebody who we truly believe we are meant to be with, how devastated do you think we’d be that we’re no longer together? We think: “If we are meant to be together, then why is he/she gone? What did I do wrong?” As we cry our tears and pour out our hearts to our friends, we tell them: “It was meant to be! We are supposed to be together!” To which they nod their heads and listen to us weep, being the good friends they are.

“Meant to be” holds us back from truly living and in times of separation from people we love, it chains us to our past. I have known many people (and have been one) who are dealing with the loss of a relationship, and they can’t move on, because they believe in “meant to be.” We are told that if something is meant to be, then it will happen, but does that really mean? And in cases where you miss your lost love/Twin Flame/soul mate, having faith that the universe is conspiring to bring you two back together because it’s “meant to be” only creates severe disappointment and feelings of loss.

Getting hung up on what you think the universe is and should be doing for you is the worst thing you can focus on. I wasted two years of my life waiting for something to happen. At one point, I was so angry that nothing was happening, I remember thinking “Fuck the universe.”

I felt betrayed by the universe at times. But it was because I didn’t realize that the power to change my life had been within me all along. It was as if I was stuck in molasses and my life was not moving. Nothing new was coming into it. But what I didn’t realize is that we create the new. And we can only manifest new when we let go of the old.

My mind was trapped in a glass case that held all the memories I had of my Twin Flame, because I couldn’t stop holding on to “meant to be.” “Meant to be” was supposed to bring us back together. I thought: “If something is “meant to be”, then it’s supposed to happen, right? All those soulmate/Twin Flame quotes told me as such. He’s got to come back then. How could he not? We’re Twin Flames. We are connected to each other’s souls. All I see are signs pointing me to him! Then why aren’t we together?”

Once I broke through the illusion of “meant to be”, I understood that free will and destiny create a dance together. Some things are meant to happen: Yes, absolutely. We are meant to meet certain people in our lives: Yes! But what we do with those meetings are our choices as human beings with free will. The people we meet have those choices as well. In a relationship, two people’s choices create the outcome.

“Meant to be” means absolute shit. We were meant to meet for a variety of soul reasons, but that’s where it ends. The future is something that you and the other person form together. And if it doesn’t work out, the universe is more than happy to send us another romantic partner your way, if we are open to love and ready for it. We have many soul mates. We just have to know how to manifest them and believe that we can. And when we are ready, they will appear. Once we stop dwelling on the ideal of “meant to be”, we may find love in the most unexpected places.

Image via Bigg World

When the Relationship Breaks: Letting Go of the Blame

“It takes two to make an accident.” ~ The Great Gatsby
A relationship either works, or it doesn’t. The two energies of the individuals either mesh, or they don’t, regardless of their connection to each other. A breakup occurs because the two people are out of balance. It takes two people to create that imbalance, two people to cause a breakup. When a relationship ends, we mourn that severed connection much like a death. We go through various stages of grieving: One of those phases is blame.
How many times have you had a relationship end and thought “If only I had done this. If only I had acted like this. If only I hadn’t done that. If only I had been better. If only I hadn’t said that. Then we would still be together.” That’s a lot of “if onlys”, don’t you think? Yet, this is the type of constant negative thinking that takes place in our heads. We create our own prisons of blame and self-hate. We live in misery and regret, continuously beating ourselves up until there’s nothing left to us. We become shells of the people we once were, nothing but zombies, because our spirits are so broken. Until we learn to forgive ourselves, we are slaves to our own destructive thoughts.
When I lost my Twin Flame, I hated myself. I put all the blame on myself. I thought: “It was all because of my stupid issues, my fear of abandonment, my fear of love, my anxiety that created our separation. If it wasn’t for those deep-seated issues of mine from childhood, we would still be together. It’s my fault. I’m the only one to blame.”
Over the course of two years, I sent him a few long letters that took me months to write, giving him all these reasons to blame me, just so he would give me a second chance. That’s how much I believed that I was the only one to blame. He never responded. He just let me take all the blame. Just because he’s my Twin Flame doesn’t mean he’s not a stubborn asshole. People think that their Twin Flames are magical beings and perfect in every way. Wrong! They’re just people: They’re human beings with flaws, insecurities, and emotional problems like everybody else in this world.
In the summer of 2013, when the pain I felt from the connection was so unrelenting, intense, and sharp, as if somebody were repeatedly stabbing me in the heart with a dagger, I performed a “Love & Beauty” spell on myself. I used the power of magick to make me love me. The spell was powerful and unbelievably effective. I felt as if it was just what I needed to heal my life at that point in time. It is one of my favorite spells I’ve ever concocted. It changed my life. I used the energy of the universe to help me love myself and see myself as beautiful, inside and out.
Within one month, I started to see the true beauty in myself and who I was as a woman. And once I loved me and thought of myself as an empowered queen, not a princess who needed a prince or a knight in shining armor, I stopped blaming myself for what had caused my separation with my twin. We were both to blame. I may have run from him, but he just let me go. He never fought for us. It wasn’t just me. It takes two people to destroy a relationship. I have fully admitted to my role in the destruction. What’s done is done.
I’ve talked to several people in recent months who are separated from their Twin Flame. They all blame themselves for the pain they have caused themselves and their twin; they all blame themselves that they’re not together. One woman told me “He was sunshine to everyone he encountered. Now he’s dead. He hides. He doesn’t create beauty anymore. I felt like we killed each other.” I experienced this as well with mine. It did feel as if we had destroyed each other just by meeting.
In the blackness of night as I lay in my bed, I could feel his pain through the energetic cords linking my soul to his, and it killed me, because I thought I was the reason. I felt so bad all the time and never realized why that pain and suffering would never dissipate. I lived in a constant state of guilt and severe regret.
I felt as if our connection permanently damaged him. I would see pictures of him through mutual friends’ pages, and he had stopped smiling the way that he used to. There was no more light behind his eyes, no more sparkle. Something had died inside of him. And I lived with the regret that he ever had to meet such a damaged person as myself. Somebody who had always been grinning and laughing, bursting with energy and life, had become a shell of himself. It’s been two years since our separation, and I have yet to see that big grin return. The last pictures I saw of him and his girlfriend, his smile is hardly a smile, and his eyes are glazed over.
When Twin Flames or even soul mates meet, individual karmic issues come to the surface so they can be healed. Oh, you have issues with your mom! Well guess what, your twin is going to show you love in the same way your mom did, or she’s going to remind you in some way of your mom. And in a past life, your twin may have even been your mom. Weird, right? When that emotional karma rears its ugly head, it causes chaos and pain within our souls. As it’s supposed to. That’s all part of the process of clearing and healing our karma.
I want to make this perfectly clear to everybody who is dealing with a Twin Flame/soul mate connection, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You need to realize that their connection to you is actually helping them. Their hurt is not because of you, even though it feels like it. Their hurt stems from ancient wounds of loss, heartbreak, abandonment, betrayal, etc. Why do you think Twin Flame and soul mate “Runners” can’t handle these relationships and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as they can! This is why.
Separated twins/soul mates always wonder why their partners leave them when the love felt so magical and perfect. It’s because you reminded them of every karmic hurt they’ve ever incurred in every lifetime. Some people can handle this. Many cannot. When they run, they’re running from all that karmic pain. This is also why they jump into surface relationships with other people so quickly after the separation. It’s a way for them to distract themselves, so they don’t have to face the mirror you’re holding, showing them their issues, aka “The Mirror Effect.”
When being with their twin is too painful, they separate and choose a less intense, easier relationship. Some even marry them! You’ll always hear separated twins say “I can’t believe he/she is with that person. They’re all wrong for him/her.” Mine included. In most cases, their current partner is probably the complete opposite of their twin; because they will do anything to not have to face the mirror, which is their twin.
In past lives, we play many roles to teach other lessons. You may be husband and wife in one life and mother and son in the next, but the connection remains the same. That’s why when you meet, you feel as if you’ve known this person your whole life. It’s the familiarity of the union that draws you in. And you think “I have a connection with this person. They feel like home.” But you have to understand that sometimes that feeling of home reminds the other person of a broken one.
We can only heal ourselves. We must not feel bad if our soul mates choose not to. They will at some point, just not with us. The universe will never stop trying to heal them. They can run, but eventually they will have no other choice but to heal. We can never truly escape what the universe wants for us.

From Torment to Butterflies: Forgiving Yourself

In life, we tend to hold on too tightly to what we have done and that which was done to us. Because we can’t let go of the past and all the hurts, we destroy the love we have for ourselves. One of the most powerful actions we can take is to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made.

If you carry the pain of yesterday, you will only feel burden. You have to let it all go; all the stagnant emotions left over from the past, the disappointment, the “what ifs”, and the regret. And the only way to release it, is to forgive yourself first.

During my spiritual/Twin Flame journey, I made many mistakes. I didn’t make sensible decisions. I let fear guide my actions; I let anxiety keep me from seeing situations clearly. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I lost friendships. I lost my twin. I hurt him. I hurt myself. I felt as if it was all my fault. Waking up each day felt like a living nightmare. How could I go on knowing that I had created the separation and done all this damage to a wonderful connection?

Over the course of two years, I tore myself apart with regret. I hated myself. And through the disdain and resentment of myself, I had to take a hard look at who I was as a person and recognize my deep-seated issues that had been bubbling to the surface for years. I worked hard to try to heal the broken pieces. But the pain of losing somebody I loved and knowing I was to blame shredded me. It had been a choice that I had made but would never stop regretting. All I did was blame myself and live in my own prison of self-flagellation and negative thinking. 

At one point, I realized I needed to forgive myself. I thought “What’s done is done. I cannot change the past as much as I am dying to. I have to accept the present. I have to forgive what I did.” And then I thought “I did the best I could. I am not perfect. I was damaged, and I needed healing.”

That night before bed, I created an affirmation for myself. I exclaimed “I forgive myself. I forgive myself for hurting him. I forgive myself for hurting me. I forgive myself, and I let it go to be healed.” After I had said it all, I cried. I let it all out, every molecule of hurt that I had been carrying with me, all the regret, and I let all of it go.

Forgiving myself was the first step in an incredibly painful, eye-opening journey. It helped me become the person that I am today. It helped me love myself. You cannot love yourself if you hate yourself. Carrying regret for one’s actions only leads to self-hate.

You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Once you accept the imperfections, you let love in. When you let love into yourself, you attract love. All the pain of yesterday is transformed by the love you have for yourself. That is how powerful love is. Love turns torment into butterflies.

 

The Swan

Yesterday, as I was getting out of my car, carrying all my groceries to the back door of my apartment, I noticed a single swan sitting on a piece of ice on top of the Charles River. I stopped to gaze at him, because he was so beautiful. He was at peace, and he wasn’t frightened by my presence. He was just out on the ice, chillin’.

About a year before, I had been lucky enough to see two swans swimming in the river. At the time, I felt as if it was some sign about my twin flame and me. Swans pair up for life. During our separation between my twin and me, I had always thought we would able to reconcile and get back together. We should have been like those swans, but we weren’t. My fairy tale did not end with him.

When I came across the swan yesterday, I noticed that he wasn’t with a partner. He was by himself. I looked to see if his mate was around, but she was not there. I told my mom that I had seen one swan, and she said “Swans mate for life. Something must have happened to the other swan.” To think that something tragic had happened to his swan love made me sad, but it also helped me recognize a lovely message from Spirit.

Even though the swan was no longer with his partner, he was okay. He was still living, and seemed perfectly content on the ice, basking in the late afternoon rays of sunshine. Life goes on. The world continues to spin, regardless if he is with her or not. Being without your twin is not the end of the world. You can find true happiness being apart from a person you loved the most. The swans were on a journey together, and now one has taken on that journey by himself. I am that swan. And in some regards, my life is better because of it.

Update: The next day, the same swan was back on the ice, but this time he was with his swan wife. It gave me hope that I would find my own special swan someday with whom I could spend my life.