Twin Flame Pain

TWIN FLAME PAIN

Every soul connection that comes into our lives brings with them their own set of lessons and healing. They reflect back to us the shadow aspects and wounds that we would rather avoid. They show up to wake us up, to make us face what we’ve been avoiding. They mirror deep karmic pain that we have made a soul contract to heal in this lifetime. We have suffered many lifetimes, carrying this pain with us. Sometimes we don’t even realize it’s there. It’s buried so deep in our subconscious, in our souls, that we have no idea that we are burdened by such darkness.

That is until we meet a Twin Flame (I prefer to call them soul connections), and all that karmic pain rises to the surface. Suddenly, our past wounds, the heartbreaks and childhood wounds feel so deep, it’s as if somebody has carved us open with a dagger. We feel vulnerable and exposed. We think “How is it possible that this person, this soulmate, I have such strong, loving feelings for can make me feel so bad? How can they cause me so much pain without even doing anything? How can they make me feel so afraid and bring out such intense, uncomfortable feelings?”

These people come into our lives and trigger our deepest pain to heal us and clear these blockages that keep us from truly loving ourselves. Because until we love ourselves, we can’t give love to the full capacity that we are meant to. Soul connections push our buttons. They pull away when we need them the most; they take away their love when it’s all we’ve ever feared; they abandon us at our weakest moments; they make us face ourselves. They strip away all our distractions, so we finally look into the mirror once and for all. For the firs time, we see all our flaws, weaknesses, insecurities, all the things that we have hidden our entire lives. This person walks into our life, then walks out. And we are left feeling abandoned, naked, and torn apart. We wonder why it hurts so bad, why we feel so lost and afraid to pick up the pieces of our lives and start over. We don’t have the strength to begin again. It’s been drained from our bloodstream.

Their spiritual gift to us is to crack us open, so we may heal and shatter us, so we can rebuild ourselves into more balanced, stronger people. As Rumi says “The wound is where the Light enters you.” Like a phoenix rising from ashes, we transform into powerful and magical beings.  As long as we surrender to this process, this will happen. If we fight what the Universe is trying to do for us, we will only delay our progress. For some, it takes months. For others, such as myself, it takes years. True surrender is realizing that the connection is all about you and not them. It’s not about losing a piece of yourself, because you’re already whole. It’s not about them losing you either, because they are whole as well. Soul connections are not based on need.

Need creates imbalance. Between partners, when there is an imbalance, the connection cannot flow and the two have to separate. They repel each other energetically. That is why partners may get together, then have separations as time goes on, because imbalances and energetic blockages come up for people. Needing love repels love. It’s pushy energy that is based on what the Law of Attraction theory would call “lack.” In a soul connection union, there needs to be a balance between the feminine, the yin, and the masculine, the yang. Once it’s out of balance, problems arise. One partner may feel the need to separate from the other until the energy re-balances. Healing must take place before this can happen.

Codependency is an issue that many soul connections deal with. It is sometimes the greatest lesson for us to learn. Learning to love without need, without desperation, without pain, without a constant feeling of longing is what we experience during a separation. Regardless if they ever come back into our lives, we are taught the lesson to love in a healthy way. In order to fill somebody’s emotional cup, we must fill our own first. Our immense, flowing love for a partner can be showered upon them like a waterfall as long as we keep a reservoir within ourselves. We can only love them as much as we love ourselves. And we can never give more to them than we would give to ourselves in order to keep the scales balanced. Once the energy of a connection balances, the tremendous power of love reveals itself.

If you are currently dealing with a twin flame connection and need help navigating it, book a Twin Flame Connection Reading or Energy Balancing Session with us here:  http://awakenedqueen.com/twin-flame-connection/

We are here to help you with whatever you are dealing with.  Find out if reconnection is possible or how you can move on. We can guide you in any situation, no matter how difficult and complex it may seem.

Sexual Healing: Losing A Part Of Yourself

What happens when we meet our perfect match, the love of our lives, the man or woman who we believe to be our Twin Flame, and it all goes bad? How does it affect our sexuality, lust, and desires? It kills it. During a Twin Flame separation, the sexual fire fades to darkness. We become shells of ourselves, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. We lose ourselves.

Our sexual identity is shredded. There is nothing left. The thought of sex doesn’t appeal to us. We hope that our twins will come back to us. Only then can we fully express ourselves sexually again. Sex with our twins feels safe. It feels like home. But then that gets all pulled out from underneath us, and we’re sexually abandoned. We become frigid.

During my Twin Flame journey, it became a shameful secret I held within me: I didn’t want to have sex with anybody else. I didn’t want to kiss anybody else. I didn’t want to date anybody else. And so I didn’t. I felt so ashamed. I was a sexual widow. I had always considered myself a sexual person, but once I lost him, my veins turned to ice. I would touch my body to give myself pleasure, but the connection to him was so strong that it felt as if my body no longer belonged to me. I missed him so much that I would fall into a heap, crying trying to release the pain, but I never could. I could have cried a thousand tears, and it still wouldn’t have helped. Nothing did.

Men were attracted to me, and I wanted nothing to do with them. I did my best to hide from them. People would ask me if I was dating anybody, and I would say no and quickly change the subject. Nobody had any clue what I was going through. The sexual goddess within me had disappeared, and it was devastating. I blamed myself that I couldn’t just let him go. I beat myself up, because I couldn’t even date another man. I hated myself. I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to move on. I didn’t even find men attractive anymore. Nobody compared to my twin. He was a god in my eyes. How could I ever be with another man when I was in love with a god?

These connections are all-encompassing, as they are meant to be. Because of this: We tend to see our twins as enigmatic, mystical beings. They regularly appear in our dreams, and we think about them all the time. But we never see them as who they are; we only see them as we think they are. Looking at pictures of my twin, he transformed into some magical man. He didn’t seem real. I saw him as a king, my king. And I was his queen. So how could the queen be with somebody other than the king? Why settle for a knight or a prince, when you have a king? She couldn’t. Why would she? Instead, she became a lady in waiting. Waiting and waiting for her king to come back to her, and then they would make sweet, passionate love. The queen could wait! It was worth it.

The longer I waited, the more depressed I became. I closed off my heart. My emotions felt shriveled. I didn’t want to open myself up to anybody. I wasn’t sexual, and I didn’t even care anymore. It was my dirty little secret. Nobody had to know how long it had been since I had been intimate. They didn’t have to know the last person I kissed was him. Nobody would ever find out. I would carry that with me. I could still do my make-up and wear sexy clothing. Nobody would ever know that I was living in a sexual desert. I lost that part of myself, but I didn’t know how to get it back. And honestly, because I was suffering from depression and anxiety, my sex life was on the bottom of my list of priorities.

I was lucky to get out of bed to go to work. I was barely functioning. The winter was one big blur of cold, miserable weather and my depression and anxiety. I was disintegrating, coming apart at the seams. I was on a downward spiral. I had tried so hard to get through it all, but it wasn’t enough. I was defeated. The connection was more powerful than me.

I went to see my healer, Maura, for a Reiki session. She asked me “What do you need help with?” And I said “I feel so blocked. I just want to feel some kind of emotion again and feel sexual again.” During the consultation before the healing, she asked me “When was your last relationship?” And I broke down. Spirit was guiding her. I wasn’t even going to bring him up. I didn’t want to make this healing session about him. I wanted to focus on my own healing. And my healing had nothing to do with him. But Maura was being guided to ask me questions about him, because that was the root of my misery.

It was destroying me. The Universe had been teaching me a hard lesson about enmeshment. I loved him so much that I had lost myself, and when we separated, I had put all the blame on myself. I beat myself up for the things in the situation I had no control over. I had felt like a failure, and I had been carrying around that guilt with me for two years.

 

There had been a part of me that had felt so badly about the way it played out with my twin, that I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. I didn’t deserve to feel pleasure, sexual or otherwise. And because of that, my sacral chakra had become blocked. I had closed off my sexual self, but also I had disconnected from the Divine feminine energy within myself. I didn’t feel like a goddess. I didn’t feel sensual. I didn’t feel anything. After the Reiki session, Maura gave me the message that my Divine feminine self was being shown to her as a baby lamb. She told me to cultivate it and be gentle with myself. The inner goddess was a baby lamb. It needed time to grow. Nothing had to be rushed. I had experienced a rebirth. I needed to have patience and compassion for myself.

Your sexual side never has to die completely. If you want it back, you can always work on bringing it back. But it doesn’t just happen overnight. It is a process. One that must not be hurried. You do not need to jump into the bed with the first man/woman you meet. It takes time to heal. Have patience with yourself and don’t try to force anything if you’re not ready. Think of it as entering a dark house and turning on all the lights one by one. Piece by piece, you put yourself back together again and the part that was once lost, you find.

 

Mastering Your Own Destiny

One expression that I cannot stand is: “It was meant to be.” And I’ll tell you why I hate that stupid cliché, because it takes away our power; it takes away our free will and our choices. In relationships, we need to stop thinking in terms of “meant to be.” We need to start believing in the strength of our own decisions to create the lives and relationships we desire.

I have met two men in my life who I would’ve sworn on my soul that we were “meant to be”, but we were not. What does that tell you about the feeling that it’s “meant to be?”

Now if we break up with somebody who we truly believe we are meant to be with, how devastated do you think we’d be that we’re no longer together? We think: “If we are meant to be together, then why is he/she gone? What did I do wrong?” As we cry our tears and pour out our hearts to our friends, we tell them: “It was meant to be! We are supposed to be together!” To which they nod their heads and listen to us weep, being the good friends they are.

“Meant to be” holds us back from truly living and in times of separation from people we love, it chains us to our past. I have known many people (and have been one) who are dealing with the loss of a relationship, and they can’t move on, because they believe in “meant to be.” We are told that if something is meant to be, then it will happen, but does that really mean? And in cases where you miss your lost love/Twin Flame/soul mate, having faith that the universe is conspiring to bring you two back together because it’s “meant to be” only creates severe disappointment and feelings of loss.

Getting hung up on what you think the universe is and should be doing for you is the worst thing you can focus on. I wasted two years of my life waiting for something to happen. At one point, I was so angry that nothing was happening, I remember thinking “Fuck the universe.”

I felt betrayed by the universe at times. But it was because I didn’t realize that the power to change my life had been within me all along. It was as if I was stuck in molasses and my life was not moving. Nothing new was coming into it. But what I didn’t realize is that we create the new. And we can only manifest new when we let go of the old.

My mind was trapped in a glass case that held all the memories I had of my Twin Flame, because I couldn’t stop holding on to “meant to be.” “Meant to be” was supposed to bring us back together. I thought: “If something is “meant to be”, then it’s supposed to happen, right? All those soulmate/Twin Flame quotes told me as such. He’s got to come back then. How could he not? We’re Twin Flames. We are connected to each other’s souls. All I see are signs pointing me to him! Then why aren’t we together?”

Once I broke through the illusion of “meant to be”, I understood that free will and destiny create a dance together. Some things are meant to happen: Yes, absolutely. We are meant to meet certain people in our lives: Yes! But what we do with those meetings are our choices as human beings with free will. The people we meet have those choices as well. In a relationship, two people’s choices create the outcome.

“Meant to be” means absolute shit. We were meant to meet for a variety of soul reasons, but that’s where it ends. The future is something that you and the other person form together. And if it doesn’t work out, the universe is more than happy to send us another romantic partner your way, if we are open to love and ready for it. We have many soul mates. We just have to know how to manifest them and believe that we can. And when we are ready, they will appear. Once we stop dwelling on the ideal of “meant to be”, we may find love in the most unexpected places.

Image via Bigg World

The Swan

Yesterday, as I was getting out of my car, carrying all my groceries to the back door of my apartment, I noticed a single swan sitting on a piece of ice on top of the Charles River. I stopped to gaze at him, because he was so beautiful. He was at peace, and he wasn’t frightened by my presence. He was just out on the ice, chillin’.

About a year before, I had been lucky enough to see two swans swimming in the river. At the time, I felt as if it was some sign about my twin flame and me. Swans pair up for life. During our separation between my twin and me, I had always thought we would able to reconcile and get back together. We should have been like those swans, but we weren’t. My fairy tale did not end with him.

When I came across the swan yesterday, I noticed that he wasn’t with a partner. He was by himself. I looked to see if his mate was around, but she was not there. I told my mom that I had seen one swan, and she said “Swans mate for life. Something must have happened to the other swan.” To think that something tragic had happened to his swan love made me sad, but it also helped me recognize a lovely message from Spirit.

Even though the swan was no longer with his partner, he was okay. He was still living, and seemed perfectly content on the ice, basking in the late afternoon rays of sunshine. Life goes on. The world continues to spin, regardless if he is with her or not. Being without your twin is not the end of the world. You can find true happiness being apart from a person you loved the most. The swans were on a journey together, and now one has taken on that journey by himself. I am that swan. And in some regards, my life is better because of it.

Update: The next day, the same swan was back on the ice, but this time he was with his swan wife. It gave me hope that I would find my own special swan someday with whom I could spend my life.

The “Out of the Funk, Into the Love” Release Ritual

There is a full moon coming up this Friday the 14th, which happens to be Valentine’s Day. The full moon is in the fire sign of Leo. You may be single, feeling slightly blue this Valentine’s Day. You may feel lonely. You may be dealing with a recent break-up. You may be in a state of stagnancy where you can’t seem to meet somebody. Whatever your situation is now is only temporary. I’m going to help you out of the funk and into the love.

This is a simple, lovely full moon ritual that’s going to help you release some shitty emotional baggage, which will free up some emotional space in your heart. You need to let go of the old emotions from the past to welcome in the new emotions. Friday night, you are going to focus on releasing all the emotional residue that’s blocking you from finding love and happiness.

You will need a black or light blue candle, and one pink candle. You will need a sheet of paper, a pen, a bowl of water, and sea salt.

On your piece of paper, you’re going to write down three names of people who have hurt you in your life. Look at the names on the paper and think about what they did to you and how that made you feel. You want to bring this emotion to the surface. Write down the first emotion you feel.

Now you’re going to speak their name out loud and say “I forgive you.” You will do this for all three people on your list. When you are finished, you are going to fill the bowl with water and sprinkle some sea salt in it. You are then going to put the sheet of paper in the water. Place the bowl in front of a window where the moon can shine upon it. Once you do this, light your black or light blue candle. This candle will represent the pain this person has caused you.

You will look at the candle, and once again say each name out loud and “I forgive you.” As the candle burns, the hurt that you once felt dissolves in the flame. Let that candle burn until it goes out on its own. Be safe. You can always snuff it out and re-light it if need be.

In the morning, you are going to take the piece of paper that has been soaking in the bowl of water and throw it away. If you live near a body of water, you can dispose of it there. I once performed a full moon ritual of release and the next day, I went to the ocean and let the paper I had written everything on, drift away by the tide. It was a wonderful way to release my issues to the Universe.

Once the black or blue candle has burnt out, light your pink candle. Think of this candle as new love in your heart. You are ready to love and be loved. But most importantly, you love yourself. The pink candle represents love. That love replaces all the darkness and pain that you had been holding on to. The Universe will give you love, and in turn, you will feel love for yourself. This love will heal you. And once you are healed, you will find loving relationships.

I Was a Twin Flame Runner: My Story

Last year, in the midst of my Twin Flame journey when I was in the deepest agony, I turned to a now defunct website devoted to Twin Flames called Twin Soul Revelations for support. It was run by a woman named Skye, who closed that site and opened another called Mirror Spirits. She writes quite extensively on the subject of Twin Souls aka Twin Flames. She knew I was a Runner in my Twin Flame connection, so she asked me to write a piece from the Runner’s perspective. She was kind enough to publish it on her blog under my pseudonym, Belladonna.
Recently, I was trying to locate a copy of it, and Googled to see if it was available online so I could post it here. I was surprised that it had been spread to several websites. However, my name is unlisted. This is my story, and I stand by every word I wrote. People need to know what it’s like to be the Runner in a Twin Flame connection. They need to understand how it feels, and how blinded by fear they are. They need to see how a Runner choses fear over love, because that’s all they’ve ever known.
 
I will be posting more on the topic of Twin Flames, and the Runner/Chaser dynamic. I have been both. I was the Runner, then something changed, and I became the Chaser. My twin is currently running from the connection, but most importantly, he’s running from himself.
 
This is my story:
i was a twin flame runner

I am a Runner. I ran from the connection. It literally took me 6 months to even see that I was the one who was running. What you have to understand about the Runner is they are in absolute agony, and they are being pulled by the energy of the connection, which is absolutely maddening.

I felt my own pain, but I also felt my Twin Soul’s pain. It was a feeling of panic. I would wake up with it, and it was the most awful feeling. The only way I can describe it is waking up from a sound, peaceful sleep and in a matter of seconds, you feel extreme anxiety and this ungodly feeling of loss. Your heart is actually hot and it pounds; your chest is sweating. It’s the sensation of a nightmare where you’re being chased, only you’re awake. That’s how I would wake up every morning.  

Combined with feeling his pain and emotions, I was also feeling this incredible pull towards him. Everything in my body was telling me that I need to be with this man. But, something was telling me inside that I was not ready. Something was telling me I needed to really look hard at myself and my issues and fix myself, so what happened with my Twin Soul would never happen again.

I knew that even if he called me and told me how much he missed and loved me, I would still be a mess. There would never be a happily ever after until I did the work on myself. So I ran. And by running, I dove further into myself (if that makes sense) to fix what was broken inside me.

I stopped going out with my friends and became a hermit. I worked and came home, and that’s it. I was in an emotional coma. I was dealing with the loss of my Twin Soul, the strong energies that were pulling me to him, his pain, my own pain, and to top it all off, I was going through a spiritual awakening: I was a mess.
i was a twin flame runnerBut I also knew this was my time to fix all my issues. I knew I had to run and be myself to do it. I love my Twin Soul so much that I didn’t want him to have to deal with me until I had fixed myself. So I disappeared. I took myself off Facebook, and I became a ghost. I honestly didn’t even know I was running from him.
 
In the meantime, I saw signs every day telling me that this connection to him was the real deal. I felt chased by the Universe. I kept thinking “Please leave me alone! I’m just trying to get over him, and you’re making this really hard!” In my head, I thought he was the one who had run out on me. That’s how crazy these connections can make you. The energy is so strong that you feel like you’re going insane.
It wasn’t until April/May 2012, when I had the realization that I was the one who had run, and I was the one who was still running. I saw everything clearly and I thought about our fight and the way things had played out. And I realized that I couldn’t deal with the intensity of the connection anymore, so I said “If you want me gone, I’m gone.”

I saw it as me giving him an out because I thought that’s what he wanted, but he didn’t. He ended up taking the out because he thought I wanted it. We mirrored each other’s fears. I’m sure by forcing his hand to end it, I broke his heart. I hurt him, but I hurt myself, too, in unfathomable ways. Even as spiritually awakened as I was, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I couldn’t see that I was the one who had ended it. I couldn’t see that I was running.

Runners leave the relationship out of fear. They are scared to death. They are frightened of the intense love they feel for their Twin Soul. They are so terrified that this feeling of love is one-sided that they high-tail it out of the relationship as fast as their sneakers can take them! But where does this fear come from? The fear comes from deep-seated issues that have plagued this person for not only all of this lifetime, but previous lifetimes.
This is what is meant by “karma.” Karma is soul memory. In our past lives, we experience many things that will teach us lessons. These lessons can come in the form of losing the loves of our lives, being abandoned, betrayal by somebody we love, or even somebody killing us, and the soul never forgets. The pain of all those things resonates within us, until we do the work to clear and heal the karma and the issues, once and for all, which is exactly what Twin Soul connections do.

 

But nothing about the process is easy. It’s incredibly painful. It truly is a blessing, but it will feel like a curse sometimes. It’s the universe’s way of fixing us. With extreme pain, comes change and transformation. During these separations, only until you have seen the darkness will you see the sun. It is something that we must accept as we move through this spiritual journey.
By meeting the Twin Soul, a mirror is held up in front of the Runner’s eyes, and they can see everything that is wrong with them. All those issues of self-love, abandonment, codependency, etc., come to the surface. Suddenly, this person sees their issues, issues that they’ve avoided for possibly lifetimes, and it’s terrifying, so they run, run, run. They don’t even know what they’re running from. They just know they need to get out. And by getting out, they leave their Twin Soul behind. Many of you may blame your Runners for walking out on you, starting new relationships, and rejecting one of the most Divine unions a person can ever be blessed to have, but you have to realize that this is all part of their journey to find themselves. They cannot be with you until they do that.
Some people aren’t as spiritually enlightened, so it’s going to take them longer to find their way back to you. Some people will try to distract themselves any way they can (relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc.) so they don’t have to face their issues, but trust me, they don’t have a choice. They can put it off, but it will happen. You can’t fight the universe.
When I ran from my Twin Soul, I loved him more than I loved myself, because I didn’t know how to love myself, which was one of my issues. True love must come from within before you can give it to another person. You have to love yourself first, or a relationship will never work between you two. There is no way around it either: Once the energies between Twin Souls become unbalanced, you separate, and the universe forces you to balance the energies, whether you like it or not. The only way to come back together is for each of you to work on yourself separately. Only through inner love and happiness will a reconnection take place.
In the meantime, you have to accept that they are on a personal journey, and you can’t blame them or feel that they’ve abandoned you. They haven’t. It all goes deeper than it seems. What you see on the surface is a person who has left you because they don’t care about you, but if you look into the spiritual side, you will see they have left because they love you so much that they have to become stronger just so they can handle the firestorm of love and emotions they truly feel.
They have to be able to look at you aka their “Mirror”, and like what they see. Some of them aren’t ready to do that. Some of them haven’t found the love within themselves yet. And some of them have a deep soul knowing that they’re not ready to be with you. It’s okay. Let them find themselves. And if that involves having other relationships, you must accept it is a part of their journey, as difficult as that may be.
No pushing on your part will ever make them come back. They will come back when it’s time. The only thing you can do is do the inner work, find peace amidst the chaos, and balance amidst the pain and pull of the connection, and love yourself. Loving yourself is the key to surviving this Divine connection. Without love in your heart, you will only experience pain. And ultimately, the pain will keep you from reconnecting. Love will bring you back to each other. And if it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, love will always bring you back to your true SELF.