When the Twin Flame Connection Makes You Feel Crazy

Every day after we separated was the same. I thought “Am I going crazy?”

What the fuck is happening to me?”

“Why do I feel like I’m losing my mind?”

“When am I going to get through this?”

“Will I get through this?”

“Is this how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life?”

A Twin Flame connection will make you feel like you’re going insane. I spent my days Googling “Why is this connection making me feel crazy?” Either I never found the answer online or I didn’t understand the answer given, but for whatever reason, I had to figure out the answer on my own.

I discovered it’s because the energy between the two souls is entwined. I felt his energy as well as my energy. Our souls were entangled. It was a constant push pull. The energy after a separation is INTENSE. It shook me to the core. I could feel him, yet we weren’t together. His essence was all over me, and there was nothing I could do but miss him. I had to accept the fact that he was no longer in my life. I loved him from hundreds of miles away. We weren’t speaking to each other, yet I woke up feeling his energy as if he were lying next to me. It was maddening. I woke up in sweat. I woke up with my chest pounding. I woke up with a pit of despair at the bottom of my stomach. Every morning, I felt like I wanted to die.

His misery permeated the air that I breathed. I knew he was sad. I knew he was hurt. But it wasn’t the right time to contact him. I had to accept that. There was a deep knowing within me telling me that there was work to be done. I was a mess. I needed to fix myself. It was all coming to the surface. For years, I had done everything I could to push away my emotional problems and my childhood wounds.

I drank. I self-medicated. I dove into a sub-culture of music where people took drugs and escaped from reality for a weekend at a time. And in those dark clubs and warehouses, I found shreds of happiness; in those hours of drugged out bliss, I didn’t have to think about how lost I was deep down, how much it hurt inside, how fearful I was that the people who came into my life would abandon me. I escaped all that. I got to party and dance with my friends. For one night, sometimes two, I didn’t have a care in the world. I could forget about all my insecurities and childhood wounds.

He was everything, and I was nothing. I didn’t deserve him. How could he ever love a mess like me? I couldn’t hide how broken I was. He was realizing it. I was ruining a good thing. I was pushing the connection. I was rushing. I felt so much anxiety that my stomach was constantly in knots. I was so scared to lose him that all I could do was push and push my feelings onto him. He wouldn’t want to be with somebody who was so needy for love. He wouldn’t want to love somebody who feared being abandoned. He was normal. And I had problems.

The night we had our fight, as the ecstasy raced through my veins, it intensified all my emotions, but it also brought out my spiritual self. Ever since I had met him, I had been slowly awakening. As I awakened, I began to realize that I was a healer. I was meant to heal people. And I was meant to heal him. I told him that I would heal his heart. Right after I said it, I saw the blood drain out of his face. And he got angry. I could see how scared he was. I was so hurt that he was angry with me that I lashed out at him.

I made a fool out of myself at that club. I had never acted that way before. He had a bouncer separate me from him, because he couldn’t deal with me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I could blame it on the drugs and the alcohol, but it was as if I had no control over my words and actions. The fight and my reactions escalated so quickly that there was no turning back. I had acted like a mental case. And to make it worse, one of his friends that he brought to the club that night is now his girlfriend. It took them a while to get together romantically, but I always saw her in pictures, and I had a gut feeling about her. My dreams confirmed my worst fears.

He saw the worst side of me anybody had ever seen before. The jig was up. He knew how unbalanced and fucked up I was. I decided to give him an out and he took it. I hated myself at that moment, and because of that, I said “If you want me out of your life, just say it.” He texted back “All set.” I pulled the plug on us. We were over before we had started.

The rose had wilted before it had bloomed. It was the worst night of my life. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. I lost him for good. In those five months, he had become my best friend, my lover, the man that I wanted to spend my life with – then in one moment – it was all gone.

It was Halloween night in Brooklyn at a warehouse party at 4:30 in the morning and there I was standing in a Snow White costume, realizing that I had lost the love of my life. I remember calling my mom the next day, completely numb from what had occurred. I said “Is he coming back?” And she said “No, he’s not.” And she was right. Regardless of the spiritual awakening and all the signs and everything connecting us, he never came back.

My healer said I had scared him by something I said. I hadn’t even remembered what it was until she reminded me. I had told him “I can heal your heart.” And he wasn’t able to deal with that. I don’t really know why. Maybe it was too out there for him. Maybe he didn’t think his heart needed healing. It doesn’t matter. I don’t regret what I said. I was being my true self. I never want to be anybody but who I really am. I never want to pretend that I’m somebody else. My purpose on earth is to help people. And that is my mission. The man who truly loves me will understand and love that side of me, not run from it.

I am still working on healing from that night. It was traumatic, to the point where I replayed it over and over in my head for six months after. My biggest challenge has been learning to forgive the person that I was in that moment of time. I was a lost Princess. I was by no means a Queen. I was Snow White lost in the dark forest. And it would take me years to find my way out of the black woods into the light. Every day that passes, I get stronger, and those painful memories fade more and more. Someday soon I will be able to think about those devastating moments without crying. When I do, I’ll know I am healed. Until then, so we beat on. 

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How to Live When You Feel Like Dying Part I: The Twin Flame Connection

For a solid two years since I had met and separated from my Twin Flame, my existence seemed like a nightmare that I could never escape. I would wake up in so much emotional agony every morning that I felt like was dying or wanted to die. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself; it’s just I didn’t want to live in misery anymore. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel pain that deeply.

My heart and soul felt shredded. My stomach was in constant knots. People would try to talk to me, and I couldn’t pay attention to what they were saying. And I lived in silent misery, because the people around me had no idea what I was going through. How could they!

Until you have lived through a Twin Flame connection, you have no clue. You could read a thousand books about Twin Flames and still have no fucking idea. You just don’t know until you have gone through it, period. This is why the experience can feel so lonely and isolating. Because you know if you told somebody about it, they would think you were a crazy, obsessed freakshow, so you don’t say a word. You suffer in silence. And at times, you question if you actually are a crazy, obsessed freakshow. I did many times.

My head was a continuous loop of memories from the past: I thought about him every minute of my day. I only dreamed of him. My world was tinted with reflections of him through all the signs and synchronicities. I felt as if I were Alice in Wonderland, always chasing the elusive White Hare, but never catching him. That was my Twin Flame: He was my White Hare. When I lost him, I fell down the rabbit hole and was taken on a spectacular, magical, and devastating spiritual journey that changed my life forever and opened my eyes to who I was and who I needed to become.

I learned many lessons along the way: relationship lessons, love lessons, and soul lessons. And it was all because of the connection to him.

I cannot emphasize this enough: You will not break the chains that are binding you to your twin in this connection until you learn all the lessons. That feeling of being imprisoned by invisible ties will remain. We must learn our lessons to release ourselves. It is the only way. Cord cutting will not work in this type of connection. Think of the universe as a strict school teacher who won’t let you leave class until you’ve finished your test.

So how do we learn the lessons? We have to become hermits, in a sense. That doesn’t mean we can’t go out and live our lives and enjoy ourselves; it means that we have to find the answers within us through deep introspection. Through that self-reflection, the patterns of our relationships with our families and our lovers will reveal the lessons that the universe wants us to learn and is currently being shown to us by the “Mirror Effect” aka the symbolic mirror our twins are holding up to us to show us what has been holding us back in the way we love and how we receive love.

One lesson that seems to be prevalent within soul connections is: Enmeshment. aka codependency, enmeshment is where you entangle yourself (emotionally and even energetically) in somebody so much that you lose yourself. You only care about what they think, what they want, and you forget about what you want. You will do anything to keep them. You may want to save them. You may want to heal them. You feel as if you no longer exist unless you are together. You think they complete you in some way. You may view yourself as the only person who can help them. At some point in the relationship or even after, you may have stopped caring about yourself and what makes you happy.

Think for a moment how you felt once you and your twin separated: Did you give up living in a sense? Did your whole world crumble because he/she was missing from your life? Did you stop thinking about your own happiness and only focused on your twin and what he/she was doing; what he/she was telling you in dreams; what he/she was communicating to you telepathically; or even what psychic or tarot readings were telling you? Sound familiar? Of course, because we’ve ALL lived it. I lived in a state of emotional/karmic pain, heartbreak, misery, ruin, and hopelessness for two solid years.

You’re thinking: “But he/she is half of my soul! Of course I feel that way! He/she is my Twin Flame!” Yes, and I understand exactly why you feel that way; however, this is exactly how the universe teaches us this lesson. How better to learn this lesson of enmeshment than to face a soul mate who is already literally tethered to your soul! That’s why this lesson is such a bitch to learn. Some lessons are harder than others, but this one is downright brutal. It seems like a cruel joke played on us by the universe. But you have to believe that we were chosen to take on this journey because we are stronger than most.

If I weren’t as strong as I am, I know that at some point, I would have died from it. And I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at times. When our whole word turns to darkness, how do we continue to live? And yet, we do. Because we are stronger than we give ourselves credit, we triumph. The Twin Flame journey may batter and bruise us, but it never defeats us.

The blackness turns to light because we are the chariots of our own destiny. And the love that has been awakened within us by the Divine love we feel for our twin illuminates the world. We are the warriors who make the world spin with Love and Light.

 

 

When the Relationship Breaks: Letting Go of the Blame

“It takes two to make an accident.” ~ The Great Gatsby
A relationship either works, or it doesn’t. The two energies of the individuals either mesh, or they don’t, regardless of their connection to each other. A breakup occurs because the two people are out of balance. It takes two people to create that imbalance, two people to cause a breakup. When a relationship ends, we mourn that severed connection much like a death. We go through various stages of grieving: One of those phases is blame.
How many times have you had a relationship end and thought “If only I had done this. If only I had acted like this. If only I hadn’t done that. If only I had been better. If only I hadn’t said that. Then we would still be together.” That’s a lot of “if onlys”, don’t you think? Yet, this is the type of constant negative thinking that takes place in our heads. We create our own prisons of blame and self-hate. We live in misery and regret, continuously beating ourselves up until there’s nothing left to us. We become shells of the people we once were, nothing but zombies, because our spirits are so broken. Until we learn to forgive ourselves, we are slaves to our own destructive thoughts.
When I lost my Twin Flame, I hated myself. I put all the blame on myself. I thought: “It was all because of my stupid issues, my fear of abandonment, my fear of love, my anxiety that created our separation. If it wasn’t for those deep-seated issues of mine from childhood, we would still be together. It’s my fault. I’m the only one to blame.”
Over the course of two years, I sent him a few long letters that took me months to write, giving him all these reasons to blame me, just so he would give me a second chance. That’s how much I believed that I was the only one to blame. He never responded. He just let me take all the blame. Just because he’s my Twin Flame doesn’t mean he’s not a stubborn asshole. People think that their Twin Flames are magical beings and perfect in every way. Wrong! They’re just people: They’re human beings with flaws, insecurities, and emotional problems like everybody else in this world.
In the summer of 2013, when the pain I felt from the connection was so unrelenting, intense, and sharp, as if somebody were repeatedly stabbing me in the heart with a dagger, I performed a “Love & Beauty” spell on myself. I used the power of magick to make me love me. The spell was powerful and unbelievably effective. I felt as if it was just what I needed to heal my life at that point in time. It is one of my favorite spells I’ve ever concocted. It changed my life. I used the energy of the universe to help me love myself and see myself as beautiful, inside and out.
Within one month, I started to see the true beauty in myself and who I was as a woman. And once I loved me and thought of myself as an empowered queen, not a princess who needed a prince or a knight in shining armor, I stopped blaming myself for what had caused my separation with my twin. We were both to blame. I may have run from him, but he just let me go. He never fought for us. It wasn’t just me. It takes two people to destroy a relationship. I have fully admitted to my role in the destruction. What’s done is done.
I’ve talked to several people in recent months who are separated from their Twin Flame. They all blame themselves for the pain they have caused themselves and their twin; they all blame themselves that they’re not together. One woman told me “He was sunshine to everyone he encountered. Now he’s dead. He hides. He doesn’t create beauty anymore. I felt like we killed each other.” I experienced this as well with mine. It did feel as if we had destroyed each other just by meeting.
In the blackness of night as I lay in my bed, I could feel his pain through the energetic cords linking my soul to his, and it killed me, because I thought I was the reason. I felt so bad all the time and never realized why that pain and suffering would never dissipate. I lived in a constant state of guilt and severe regret.
I felt as if our connection permanently damaged him. I would see pictures of him through mutual friends’ pages, and he had stopped smiling the way that he used to. There was no more light behind his eyes, no more sparkle. Something had died inside of him. And I lived with the regret that he ever had to meet such a damaged person as myself. Somebody who had always been grinning and laughing, bursting with energy and life, had become a shell of himself. It’s been two years since our separation, and I have yet to see that big grin return. The last pictures I saw of him and his girlfriend, his smile is hardly a smile, and his eyes are glazed over.
When Twin Flames or even soul mates meet, individual karmic issues come to the surface so they can be healed. Oh, you have issues with your mom! Well guess what, your twin is going to show you love in the same way your mom did, or she’s going to remind you in some way of your mom. And in a past life, your twin may have even been your mom. Weird, right? When that emotional karma rears its ugly head, it causes chaos and pain within our souls. As it’s supposed to. That’s all part of the process of clearing and healing our karma.
I want to make this perfectly clear to everybody who is dealing with a Twin Flame/soul mate connection, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You need to realize that their connection to you is actually helping them. Their hurt is not because of you, even though it feels like it. Their hurt stems from ancient wounds of loss, heartbreak, abandonment, betrayal, etc. Why do you think Twin Flame and soul mate “Runners” can’t handle these relationships and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as they can! This is why.
Separated twins/soul mates always wonder why their partners leave them when the love felt so magical and perfect. It’s because you reminded them of every karmic hurt they’ve ever incurred in every lifetime. Some people can handle this. Many cannot. When they run, they’re running from all that karmic pain. This is also why they jump into surface relationships with other people so quickly after the separation. It’s a way for them to distract themselves, so they don’t have to face the mirror you’re holding, showing them their issues, aka “The Mirror Effect.”
When being with their twin is too painful, they separate and choose a less intense, easier relationship. Some even marry them! You’ll always hear separated twins say “I can’t believe he/she is with that person. They’re all wrong for him/her.” Mine included. In most cases, their current partner is probably the complete opposite of their twin; because they will do anything to not have to face the mirror, which is their twin.
In past lives, we play many roles to teach other lessons. You may be husband and wife in one life and mother and son in the next, but the connection remains the same. That’s why when you meet, you feel as if you’ve known this person your whole life. It’s the familiarity of the union that draws you in. And you think “I have a connection with this person. They feel like home.” But you have to understand that sometimes that feeling of home reminds the other person of a broken one.
We can only heal ourselves. We must not feel bad if our soul mates choose not to. They will at some point, just not with us. The universe will never stop trying to heal them. They can run, but eventually they will have no other choice but to heal. We can never truly escape what the universe wants for us.

All the Signs That Bind You: Twin Flame Connections

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind

Signs – Five Man Electrical Band

 

One of the most confusing, and downright annoying aspects of the Twin Flame connection are the never ending signs or what is known as synchronicity. Synchronicity is when you experience two or more coincidental occurrences that are linked to another. I refer to this phenomenon as “signs.”

The signs were the absolute worst part for me, because we had already separated, and all I wanted was to stop missing him. I wanted to get on with my life without him. I was consumed by thoughts of only him. I could not escape from the connection no matter how hard I tried.

There was a not a day that went by where I didn’t see or hear his name numerous times. He lived in New York City, and suddenly it seemed as if the roads were filled with cars with New York license plates. People were constantly having conversations about New York. Everybody I met was from New York. Any time I heard somebody’s cell phone go off around me, you could guarantee that they would mention New York during the conversation.

I would go to a bar and see people who looked like him. There were times I would see license plates with one word on them, and the word would resonate for me, because it brought back a memory of a moment we had shared together. It was the craziest thing, but it happened all the time. Everything around me reminded me of him. And it was overwhelming as hell. I would try to explain the signs to my closest friends, but people had no idea what it was like, because they had never experienced it. They listened to me, but they probably thought I was under stress from a broken heart and imagining it.

How do you get over somebody when you’re constantly shown how connected you are to each other? You don’t! The universe was chasing me. I didn’t understand why everything around me was about my twin. Everything in my world led back to him, but why? It gave me hope that we would reconnect, and that hope almost killed me. I thought “How could I see so many signs of this man that I love and would do anything to have him back for it not to mean that we will be together again? How is that even possible?” Unfortunately, it is.

all the signs that bind youI have read many stories of Twin Flame separations where one twin experiences these seemingly coincidental signs. No matter how much they try to run from the soul connection, they are continuously reminded of it by the universe through all the synchronicity. From my personal situation, the more I tried to “run” or forget the connection, the more I would see signs.

Let’s look at this piece of the puzzle from a spiritual standpoint first: The reason why you met your twin was to conquer all those deep issues that both of you had been carrying all your lives. That is the whole purpose. It does not matter if you end up married, living in the suburbs with three kids and a Golden Retriever. That’s not how the connection works.

The outcome of your romantic relationship is not a priority; it is only secondary to each other’s healing. The relationship outcome is dependent on you and your twin’s personal choices. So you see more signs when you’re trying to escape the connection, because the connection is what heals you. The universe wants you to heal. That’s all it cares about.

If he/she is no longer in your life due to separation, the only way you’ll fix yourself is to be reminded of that person. It’s the equivalent of the “Mirror Effect” where they reflect your issues back to you and vice versa, as if both of you are holding up mirrors. In my case, I faced my issues because my connection to him held me captive until I did. There were also lessons that I was supposed to learn. And once I learned those lessons, the chains that energetically bound me to him dissolved.

If you are in the midst of a Twin Flame connection, and you are experiencing signs, use them as a learning tool. Every time you see his/her name or a sign pointing you to them, think “What do I need to change about myself? What is the universe trying to help me heal?” The one mistake you need not to make is to think that these signs are a premonition of what’s to come in the future for you and your twin. I wasted months into years thinking my love would come back to me because of all the signs, and he never did. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn:  As much as we don’t want to believe it, sometimes we love our soul mates more than they love us.