When the Twin Flame Connection Makes You Feel Crazy

Every day after we separated was the same. I thought “Am I going crazy?”

What the fuck is happening to me?”

“Why do I feel like I’m losing my mind?”

“When am I going to get through this?”

“Will I get through this?”

“Is this how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life?”

A Twin Flame connection will make you feel like you’re going insane. I spent my days Googling “Why is this connection making me feel crazy?” Either I never found the answer online or I didn’t understand the answer given, but for whatever reason, I had to figure out the answer on my own.

I discovered it’s because the energy between the two souls is entwined. I felt his energy as well as my energy. Our souls were entangled. It was a constant push pull. The energy after a separation is INTENSE. It shook me to the core. I could feel him, yet we weren’t together. His essence was all over me, and there was nothing I could do but miss him. I had to accept the fact that he was no longer in my life. I loved him from hundreds of miles away. We weren’t speaking to each other, yet I woke up feeling his energy as if he were lying next to me. It was maddening. I woke up in sweat. I woke up with my chest pounding. I woke up with a pit of despair at the bottom of my stomach. Every morning, I felt like I wanted to die.

His misery permeated the air that I breathed. I knew he was sad. I knew he was hurt. But it wasn’t the right time to contact him. I had to accept that. There was a deep knowing within me telling me that there was work to be done. I was a mess. I needed to fix myself. It was all coming to the surface. For years, I had done everything I could to push away my emotional problems and my childhood wounds.

I drank. I self-medicated. I dove into a sub-culture of music where people took drugs and escaped from reality for a weekend at a time. And in those dark clubs and warehouses, I found shreds of happiness; in those hours of drugged out bliss, I didn’t have to think about how lost I was deep down, how much it hurt inside, how fearful I was that the people who came into my life would abandon me. I escaped all that. I got to party and dance with my friends. For one night, sometimes two, I didn’t have a care in the world. I could forget about all my insecurities and childhood wounds.

He was everything, and I was nothing. I didn’t deserve him. How could he ever love a mess like me? I couldn’t hide how broken I was. He was realizing it. I was ruining a good thing. I was pushing the connection. I was rushing. I felt so much anxiety that my stomach was constantly in knots. I was so scared to lose him that all I could do was push and push my feelings onto him. He wouldn’t want to be with somebody who was so needy for love. He wouldn’t want to love somebody who feared being abandoned. He was normal. And I had problems.

The night we had our fight, as the ecstasy raced through my veins, it intensified all my emotions, but it also brought out my spiritual self. Ever since I had met him, I had been slowly awakening. As I awakened, I began to realize that I was a healer. I was meant to heal people. And I was meant to heal him. I told him that I would heal his heart. Right after I said it, I saw the blood drain out of his face. And he got angry. I could see how scared he was. I was so hurt that he was angry with me that I lashed out at him.

I made a fool out of myself at that club. I had never acted that way before. He had a bouncer separate me from him, because he couldn’t deal with me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I could blame it on the drugs and the alcohol, but it was as if I had no control over my words and actions. The fight and my reactions escalated so quickly that there was no turning back. I had acted like a mental case. And to make it worse, one of his friends that he brought to the club that night is now his girlfriend. It took them a while to get together romantically, but I always saw her in pictures, and I had a gut feeling about her. My dreams confirmed my worst fears.

He saw the worst side of me anybody had ever seen before. The jig was up. He knew how unbalanced and fucked up I was. I decided to give him an out and he took it. I hated myself at that moment, and because of that, I said “If you want me out of your life, just say it.” He texted back “All set.” I pulled the plug on us. We were over before we had started.

The rose had wilted before it had bloomed. It was the worst night of my life. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. I lost him for good. In those five months, he had become my best friend, my lover, the man that I wanted to spend my life with – then in one moment – it was all gone.

It was Halloween night in Brooklyn at a warehouse party at 4:30 in the morning and there I was standing in a Snow White costume, realizing that I had lost the love of my life. I remember calling my mom the next day, completely numb from what had occurred. I said “Is he coming back?” And she said “No, he’s not.” And she was right. Regardless of the spiritual awakening and all the signs and everything connecting us, he never came back.

My healer said I had scared him by something I said. I hadn’t even remembered what it was until she reminded me. I had told him “I can heal your heart.” And he wasn’t able to deal with that. I don’t really know why. Maybe it was too out there for him. Maybe he didn’t think his heart needed healing. It doesn’t matter. I don’t regret what I said. I was being my true self. I never want to be anybody but who I really am. I never want to pretend that I’m somebody else. My purpose on earth is to help people. And that is my mission. The man who truly loves me will understand and love that side of me, not run from it.

I am still working on healing from that night. It was traumatic, to the point where I replayed it over and over in my head for six months after. My biggest challenge has been learning to forgive the person that I was in that moment of time. I was a lost Princess. I was by no means a Queen. I was Snow White lost in the dark forest. And it would take me years to find my way out of the black woods into the light. Every day that passes, I get stronger, and those painful memories fade more and more. Someday soon I will be able to think about those devastating moments without crying. When I do, I’ll know I am healed. Until then, so we beat on. 

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How to Live When You Feel Like Dying Part I: The Twin Flame Connection

For a solid two years since I had met and separated from my Twin Flame, my existence seemed like a nightmare that I could never escape. I would wake up in so much emotional agony every morning that I felt like was dying or wanted to die. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself; it’s just I didn’t want to live in misery anymore. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel pain that deeply.

My heart and soul felt shredded. My stomach was in constant knots. People would try to talk to me, and I couldn’t pay attention to what they were saying. And I lived in silent misery, because the people around me had no idea what I was going through. How could they!

Until you have lived through a Twin Flame connection, you have no clue. You could read a thousand books about Twin Flames and still have no fucking idea. You just don’t know until you have gone through it, period. This is why the experience can feel so lonely and isolating. Because you know if you told somebody about it, they would think you were a crazy, obsessed freakshow, so you don’t say a word. You suffer in silence. And at times, you question if you actually are a crazy, obsessed freakshow. I did many times.

My head was a continuous loop of memories from the past: I thought about him every minute of my day. I only dreamed of him. My world was tinted with reflections of him through all the signs and synchronicities. I felt as if I were Alice in Wonderland, always chasing the elusive White Hare, but never catching him. That was my Twin Flame: He was my White Hare. When I lost him, I fell down the rabbit hole and was taken on a spectacular, magical, and devastating spiritual journey that changed my life forever and opened my eyes to who I was and who I needed to become.

I learned many lessons along the way: relationship lessons, love lessons, and soul lessons. And it was all because of the connection to him.

I cannot emphasize this enough: You will not break the chains that are binding you to your twin in this connection until you learn all the lessons. That feeling of being imprisoned by invisible ties will remain. We must learn our lessons to release ourselves. It is the only way. Cord cutting will not work in this type of connection. Think of the universe as a strict school teacher who won’t let you leave class until you’ve finished your test.

So how do we learn the lessons? We have to become hermits, in a sense. That doesn’t mean we can’t go out and live our lives and enjoy ourselves; it means that we have to find the answers within us through deep introspection. Through that self-reflection, the patterns of our relationships with our families and our lovers will reveal the lessons that the universe wants us to learn and is currently being shown to us by the “Mirror Effect” aka the symbolic mirror our twins are holding up to us to show us what has been holding us back in the way we love and how we receive love.

One lesson that seems to be prevalent within soul connections is: Enmeshment. aka codependency, enmeshment is where you entangle yourself (emotionally and even energetically) in somebody so much that you lose yourself. You only care about what they think, what they want, and you forget about what you want. You will do anything to keep them. You may want to save them. You may want to heal them. You feel as if you no longer exist unless you are together. You think they complete you in some way. You may view yourself as the only person who can help them. At some point in the relationship or even after, you may have stopped caring about yourself and what makes you happy.

Think for a moment how you felt once you and your twin separated: Did you give up living in a sense? Did your whole world crumble because he/she was missing from your life? Did you stop thinking about your own happiness and only focused on your twin and what he/she was doing; what he/she was telling you in dreams; what he/she was communicating to you telepathically; or even what psychic or tarot readings were telling you? Sound familiar? Of course, because we’ve ALL lived it. I lived in a state of emotional/karmic pain, heartbreak, misery, ruin, and hopelessness for two solid years.

You’re thinking: “But he/she is half of my soul! Of course I feel that way! He/she is my Twin Flame!” Yes, and I understand exactly why you feel that way; however, this is exactly how the universe teaches us this lesson. How better to learn this lesson of enmeshment than to face a soul mate who is already literally tethered to your soul! That’s why this lesson is such a bitch to learn. Some lessons are harder than others, but this one is downright brutal. It seems like a cruel joke played on us by the universe. But you have to believe that we were chosen to take on this journey because we are stronger than most.

If I weren’t as strong as I am, I know that at some point, I would have died from it. And I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at times. When our whole word turns to darkness, how do we continue to live? And yet, we do. Because we are stronger than we give ourselves credit, we triumph. The Twin Flame journey may batter and bruise us, but it never defeats us.

The blackness turns to light because we are the chariots of our own destiny. And the love that has been awakened within us by the Divine love we feel for our twin illuminates the world. We are the warriors who make the world spin with Love and Light.

 

 

A Love Like Heroin: Karmic Relationships

Have you ever met somebody, and you were instantly attracted to each other? Have you ever had a relationship that kept pulling you back when you tried to walk away, even when you knew it was wrong for you? Have you ever loved somebody in an obsessive way that just by being with them felt like a drug? The relationship was like heroin. You needed, not necessarily wanted, them in an unhealthy, dysfunctional way. You obsessed and lusted after them. These are karmic relationships.

Karmic relationships have a magnetism to them to draw you to each other so that one or both of you can learn a lesson. They are similar to soul mate relationships, but the karma is usually negative. There’s an edge to the relationship. It feels off balanced in some way. There are usually red flags, but because the attraction is so great we ignore them. We think “How can it be wrong when it feels so good?”

“Whether we like it or not, the Universal Law of Karma constantly brings before each of us the meeting of our past use of free will and consciousness. Thus, what we have done to other souls and they have done to us is reflected in the circumstances surrounding our present relationships and the basic, innate urges, attitudes and emotions we feel toward each other.” ~ John Van Auken, Soul Life: Past Lives & Present Relationships

One of the most confusing aspects in these relationships is we can easily mistake them for a soulmate because it feels like we’ve known them all our lives. They feel comfortable to us. But think of it this way: What if in another lifetime, you were betrayed by somebody which led to your murder? Well guess what, that’s the same guy you’re sleeping with now and the sex is incredible! You feel like you’ve known him before because you have: in another lifetime.

To balance the karma between you, you have a soul contract with each other to meet in this lifetime. So don’t count on this guy sticking around. He’s not the one you’re going to marry. You will most likely end up sleeping with his best friend and betraying him just as he did to you in a previous lifetime. What goes around, comes around. And it works the other way as well.

One of my harshest karmic relationships (I’ve had many) was with a younger man I only knew for three months. When we were together, we would have lovely conversations about art, literature, and music, all the things I love. He was intelligent and charming. When I was with him, I felt as if we had always been friends. But there were red flags that I didn’t pay attention to. I trusted too easily. I thought I knew him, because it felt like I knew him, but I did not.

He portrayed himself to be somebody he was not. In actuality, he was a heroin addict who had been in and out of treatment programs for years. When he met me, he was trying to make a fresh start. I didn’t know any of this. I found out later when he had totaled my car and stole my credit card, social security card, and my roommate’s checks, which he had his new junkie girlfriend cash. He had a criminal record for stealing his ex-girlfriend’s money.

This person whom I thought so fondly of didn’t exist. He was nothing but a liar and a thief. Drugs may have fueled his bad behavior, but deep down, he wasn’t a good person. He used me for whatever he could, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. And I’m sure he will do it again and again to other women.

I believe to this day that in some other lifetime, I had wronged him in some way. But besides that, he taught me a lesson about being too trusting. I’m the type of person who always sees the good in people. This was teaching me that I had to be careful who I let into my life. All that glitters is not always gold.

I had a psychic read my cards about this karmic connection, and she called him a “snake charmer.” She said that I had beat myself about allowing a toxic person into my heart, but it wasn’t my fault. She told me “Snake charmers fool everybody.” I had another psychic cut the energetic cords that were binding us together, so the karma between us would be finished.

Often times, karmic relationships teach us lessons about codependency. What feels like love is need. And need is not love. One of the ways in which these lessons are learned is by creating scenarios of unrequited love: You want to be with this person; they don’t, and vice versa. Somebody always loves more; somebody is always heartbroken in the end. In a codependent relationship, the more you give, the more the other takes. The relationship is unbalanced. You think by giving them everything, they will love you more, but it usually works the opposite way. Ain’t that a bitch?

Now the universe will keep throwing these shitty one-sided relationships at you until you learn the lesson. I used to tell my friends “All I attract are addicts and alcoholics!” And the reason for that was the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about being codependent. I would lose myself in my relationships and make it solely about the other person.

Addicts and alcoholics are naturally self-centered: It’s part of their affliction. Being in a relationship with one, it’s all about their problems. This is why they subconsciously seek out codependent people to be their partners. And all I wanted to do was focus on them, so it was the perfect dysfunctional, karmic match! So to learn my lesson about giving too much of myself, the universe had to beat me over the head by sending several addicts and alcoholics my way.

If all you attract is a specific type of shitty person, there’s probably a lesson to be learned. Once you learn the lesson, the spell breaks, but learning the lesson is difficult. It usually takes time and several karmic relationships to do it.

People always ask me “How do I attract good people into my life to have healthy relationships?” The answer I give is: “You have to be healthy to attract healthy!” If you’re damaged, you will attract damaged partners. If you don’t love yourself, you will only meet people who don’t love you, or are incapable of showing you their love. In the Law of Attraction, they say “Like attracts like. Lack attracts lack.” When you are of strong mind, body, and soul, you attract others who are. That’s how it works! Only you can break your relationship patterns.

If you’re sick of karmic relationships and want a commitment that’s lasting and solid, start by performing my “Out of the Funk, Into the Love” full moon ritual to release the relationship residue from the past. Out with the old, in with the new. You can do it any time, but full moons are the most powerful periods of the month to “take out the garbage”, so to speak.

Once you’ve done that, start a journal and jot down your relationship patterns. What has been the connecting thread in most of your relationships? How do you show love? How have your exes shown love to you? Once you start recognizing the repeating themes in your relationships, you will see the lessons. And learning the lessons are half the battle.

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