Twin Flame Challenges

“Love that is not madness is not love.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca

During my Twin Flame journey, one thing I kept asking myself was “Why is this so hard?” I had always thought when you met the love of your life, everything would be smooth sailing. But when I met my twin, there was nothing easy about it. Meeting him triggered all my issues.

Something about him brought out a deep-seated fear in me, which manifested itself as severe anxiety. I had never felt this before when I was first dating somebody. It was intense. What was supposed to be a wonderful time of getting to know each other and building a foundation never seemed to give me any pleasure. I was so scared that it was going to end that I could never enjoy it. I put on a good face for him, but he had no idea the personal hell I was suffering through. My head was a prison of negative thinking and fear. I was in a constant state of worry. I just wanted him to love me. And nothing else mattered in my life except that need for him to love me.

All my fears, all the dysfunctions, all the toxic thoughts reared their ugly heads, which ultimately caused our separation. Meeting my twin drove me to madness. Why? Because he connected me to MYSELF. Twin Flames are made from the same soul: One is the Divine feminine, and the other is the Divine masculine. Regardless of what we may have read: These are two different entities, and they do not need one another to be complete. If we meet our Twin Flame, and we don’t have a relationship with him/her or the relationship ends, it’s okay. We are whole with or without the other twin. We must never believe otherwise.

By connecting me to myself, I was forced to deal with my mind, which was the equivalent of a cluttered attic that needed a good cleaning, but I never wanted to take the time to do it. Once I met my twin, the universe grabbed hold of me and said “Guess what you’re going to be working on! YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR ATTIC. You’ve put it off long enough!” And the universe will lock the door until the job is done. This is why we feel chained to our twins. We can’t escape the connection until we clean our attics.

People have asked me “How do you know what your issues are?” And I always tell them “They reveal themselves to you over the course of an introspection process.” If you start to look inward, the universe will show you what they are. Embrace it: This is your lifetime to heal.

Your issues may manifest themselves in your dreams. If you’re dreaming of your twin, how is he/she acting toward you? How is the dream making you feel? If there are other people in the dream, how are they acting? How are they making you feel? Keep a pad of paper by your bed, so you can write them down. When you have a dream, immediately write down whatever you remember. The longer you’re awake after a dream, the more you’ll forget.

During this time, you may want to meditate for at least 5 minutes every day. This will center you and connect you to your Higher Self. You may even receive guidance easier after meditating. And it’s a fantastic way to relax. If you don’t like meditation, try yoga. My yoga instructor calls yoga “moving meditation.” It works the same way, only you get a great workout at the same time.

Buy a journal. Write down any songs or phrases that pop into your head. If you hear a random conversation where you have a gut feeling that you’re meant to hear it, listen closely. Pay attention to your thoughts. If you feel guided to read a certain book, take a class, or even schedule an appointment for some type of self-improvement session or therapy, do it!

Your Spirit Guides and Angels are doing everything they can to help you heal. All you have to do is listen to your intuition. You will be surprised by everything you discover about yourself. It’s as if there is a magnifying glass on all your broken pieces. The universe wants you to fix yourself once and for all. And it uses this Twin Flame connection to do it.

Looking inward is difficult: This is the reason why many twins run from the connection. It’s easier to run than it is to face our issues. My twin decided not to do the inner work. The universe gave him the opportunity, but he chose otherwise.

I spent two years carrying the guilt and pain of him not choosing the path to heal. It was destroying me. It took for me to sink into a deep depression that I could no longer fight my way through, to realize I needed help. I had hit bottom. I was in an abyss that I couldn’t escape. I was a shell of the person I once was. I knew I needed to book a session with my spiritual teacher/healer. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. Something had to change. I had to save my life.

My Reiki healer told me I was ready to let him go. It was time. I had learned my lessons. And she told me that I had to let him heal himself and not to feel any more blame. I had to now focus on myself and my happiness.

My soul was enmeshed in his soul, taking on all his issues and emotional wounds. It’s no wonder I felt like I was drowning in hopelessness all the time. I wanted him to heal so badly, that I was trying to do all the work for him. It was the equivalent of me cleaning out his attic night and day until I was exhausted and ready to pass out while he was out having fun, doing everything to avoid it. But that’s not how it works: He needs to clean his own attic! And if he doesn’t want to clean it, it’s not my problem.

We have to let our twins do their own healing. And we can’t help them or rush the process. If our twins do not choose to heal, there is nothing we can do. We have to let them go. We have to envision them walking with us down a path. I like to imagine it as the “Yellow Brick Road.” We’re holding hands with our twins, and suddenly our twins stop and say “I can’t go any further. I’m not ready to go where you’re heading.” And with that, we give them a loving hug and let go of their hand and continue on our way.

We have to realize that letting them go is a way for us to express our unconditional love to them. We can’t drag them, and they don’t want to be dragged. We have to accept that our journey continues regardless if they’re by our sides. And we must know that they will always be connected to our souls. Nothing will ever change that. How can we ever be separated if their soul is perpetually touching ours? And one of the biggest challenges of the Twin Flame connection is not only understanding that truth, but taking comfort in it.

 

Divine Connections: I Believe in Love

Over the past year, I’ve switched back and forth from label to label, trying to pinpoint my soul connection. Is he a soul mate? Is he a Twin Flame? Is he just the love of my life? What is he to me? Who is he? And it’s taken me much analysis, much research, to realize that love has no labels. And honestly, the universe doesn’t need you to label it.

The universe wants you to trust in the power of the connection and how it will transform you if you allow it. Transformation is an incredible thing: It’s one of the most miraculous, life-changing experiences, but you must have total faith in the process, which can be incredibly difficult.

Love is love. It’s an all-encompassing feeling that fills your whole mind, body, and soul with warmth. Why put a label on something so pure and beautiful? The answer is: You don’t need to, ever.

Everybody has free will in every lifetime. Ultimately, you choose who you want to be with, and labels are nothing but words on paper. Soul connections don’t care about your labels. They honor a whole other set of spiritual rules. Only your ego wants to label this perfect connection that’s been blessed by the universe; and it will drive you absolutely insane trying to figure it out. I suggest you don’t even bother, and leave that nasty ego at the door where it belongs.

Your ego has no clue about the spiritual world, and it’s not supposed to: It has other purposes. It helps shape your personality, but when it comes to dealing with Divine connections, it’s a downright nuisance. Your ego will keep you up at night, wracked with anxiety trying to figure it all out.

“What is happening to me?! Who is this person? Why am I so connected to them? Why is it they are the only person I can think about every waking moment of my life? Why am I being cursed!”: These are all thoughts that will cross your mind at some point after you meet this person. And you’ll desperately search the internet and read books to make sense of it. I did – for months.

You may even spend hundreds of dollars on constant psychic readings, asking if this is an indeed a “soul mate” or a “Twin Flame.” And even if the psychic tells you “Yes, this is your Twin Flame!”, where does that get you? Nowhere. You’re still back in the same situation. Nothing changed, except you fed your greedy little ego for a few temporary moments, and now you’re out $50. How do you feel? The same. In a few days, you start doubting what the psychic said, now here comes the extreme anxiety and fear, greeting you once again like an old friend.

You run back online to do some more research. You may even buy “soul mate” or “Twin Flame” books to really get to the bottom of this. You have to know! “Who is this person who is turning my life upside down! What is the label for this obsession?!”

The vicious cycle continues, and it’s only kept you from what you really need to do, which is to work on YOURSELF, and by not working on yourself, you’re not achieving what the universe wants for you. And if you’re separated from your soul partner, until you’ve worked on yourself, you will not have the chance to reconnect with this person. Some will reconnect, others will not. It all depends on choices of the couple and free will.

If you don’t do the inner work, you’re telling the universe “Nope, I’m not ready to be with him/her!” Until you become a rock,  you can never be somebody else’s rock. The inner work will transform you, and in turn, it will transform the connection. If both partners have the desire to heal, they will come back together to do it.

Call him/her whatever you want. All the labels in the world won’t make it so you don’t have to fix yourself. The universe plays hardball whether you like it or not. You either get on the field with your catcher’s mitt, or you spend the rest of the time sitting on the bench waiting for nothing to happen. Love is all you ever need to believe in. It will change your whole world whether you’re ready or not.

How to Live When You Feel Like Dying Part I: The Twin Flame Connection

For a solid two years since I had met and separated from my Twin Flame, my existence seemed like a nightmare that I could never escape. I would wake up in so much emotional agony every morning that I felt like was dying or wanted to die. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself; it’s just I didn’t want to live in misery anymore. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel pain that deeply.

My heart and soul felt shredded. My stomach was in constant knots. People would try to talk to me, and I couldn’t pay attention to what they were saying. And I lived in silent misery, because the people around me had no idea what I was going through. How could they!

Until you have lived through a Twin Flame connection, you have no clue. You could read a thousand books about Twin Flames and still have no fucking idea. You just don’t know until you have gone through it, period. This is why the experience can feel so lonely and isolating. Because you know if you told somebody about it, they would think you were a crazy, obsessed freakshow, so you don’t say a word. You suffer in silence. And at times, you question if you actually are a crazy, obsessed freakshow. I did many times.

My head was a continuous loop of memories from the past: I thought about him every minute of my day. I only dreamed of him. My world was tinted with reflections of him through all the signs and synchronicities. I felt as if I were Alice in Wonderland, always chasing the elusive White Hare, but never catching him. That was my Twin Flame: He was my White Hare. When I lost him, I fell down the rabbit hole and was taken on a spectacular, magical, and devastating spiritual journey that changed my life forever and opened my eyes to who I was and who I needed to become.

I learned many lessons along the way: relationship lessons, love lessons, and soul lessons. And it was all because of the connection to him.

I cannot emphasize this enough: You will not break the chains that are binding you to your twin in this connection until you learn all the lessons. That feeling of being imprisoned by invisible ties will remain. We must learn our lessons to release ourselves. It is the only way. Cord cutting will not work in this type of connection. Think of the universe as a strict school teacher who won’t let you leave class until you’ve finished your test.

So how do we learn the lessons? We have to become hermits, in a sense. That doesn’t mean we can’t go out and live our lives and enjoy ourselves; it means that we have to find the answers within us through deep introspection. Through that self-reflection, the patterns of our relationships with our families and our lovers will reveal the lessons that the universe wants us to learn and is currently being shown to us by the “Mirror Effect” aka the symbolic mirror our twins are holding up to us to show us what has been holding us back in the way we love and how we receive love.

One lesson that seems to be prevalent within soul connections is: Enmeshment. aka codependency, enmeshment is where you entangle yourself (emotionally and even energetically) in somebody so much that you lose yourself. You only care about what they think, what they want, and you forget about what you want. You will do anything to keep them. You may want to save them. You may want to heal them. You feel as if you no longer exist unless you are together. You think they complete you in some way. You may view yourself as the only person who can help them. At some point in the relationship or even after, you may have stopped caring about yourself and what makes you happy.

Think for a moment how you felt once you and your twin separated: Did you give up living in a sense? Did your whole world crumble because he/she was missing from your life? Did you stop thinking about your own happiness and only focused on your twin and what he/she was doing; what he/she was telling you in dreams; what he/she was communicating to you telepathically; or even what psychic or tarot readings were telling you? Sound familiar? Of course, because we’ve ALL lived it. I lived in a state of emotional/karmic pain, heartbreak, misery, ruin, and hopelessness for two solid years.

You’re thinking: “But he/she is half of my soul! Of course I feel that way! He/she is my Twin Flame!” Yes, and I understand exactly why you feel that way; however, this is exactly how the universe teaches us this lesson. How better to learn this lesson of enmeshment than to face a soul mate who is already literally tethered to your soul! That’s why this lesson is such a bitch to learn. Some lessons are harder than others, but this one is downright brutal. It seems like a cruel joke played on us by the universe. But you have to believe that we were chosen to take on this journey because we are stronger than most.

If I weren’t as strong as I am, I know that at some point, I would have died from it. And I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at times. When our whole word turns to darkness, how do we continue to live? And yet, we do. Because we are stronger than we give ourselves credit, we triumph. The Twin Flame journey may batter and bruise us, but it never defeats us.

The blackness turns to light because we are the chariots of our own destiny. And the love that has been awakened within us by the Divine love we feel for our twin illuminates the world. We are the warriors who make the world spin with Love and Light.

 

 

Mastering Your Own Destiny

One expression that I cannot stand is: “It was meant to be.” And I’ll tell you why I hate that stupid cliché, because it takes away our power; it takes away our free will and our choices. In relationships, we need to stop thinking in terms of “meant to be.” We need to start believing in the strength of our own decisions to create the lives and relationships we desire.

I have met two men in my life who I would’ve sworn on my soul that we were “meant to be”, but we were not. What does that tell you about the feeling that it’s “meant to be?”

Now if we break up with somebody who we truly believe we are meant to be with, how devastated do you think we’d be that we’re no longer together? We think: “If we are meant to be together, then why is he/she gone? What did I do wrong?” As we cry our tears and pour out our hearts to our friends, we tell them: “It was meant to be! We are supposed to be together!” To which they nod their heads and listen to us weep, being the good friends they are.

“Meant to be” holds us back from truly living and in times of separation from people we love, it chains us to our past. I have known many people (and have been one) who are dealing with the loss of a relationship, and they can’t move on, because they believe in “meant to be.” We are told that if something is meant to be, then it will happen, but does that really mean? And in cases where you miss your lost love/Twin Flame/soul mate, having faith that the universe is conspiring to bring you two back together because it’s “meant to be” only creates severe disappointment and feelings of loss.

Getting hung up on what you think the universe is and should be doing for you is the worst thing you can focus on. I wasted two years of my life waiting for something to happen. At one point, I was so angry that nothing was happening, I remember thinking “Fuck the universe.”

I felt betrayed by the universe at times. But it was because I didn’t realize that the power to change my life had been within me all along. It was as if I was stuck in molasses and my life was not moving. Nothing new was coming into it. But what I didn’t realize is that we create the new. And we can only manifest new when we let go of the old.

My mind was trapped in a glass case that held all the memories I had of my Twin Flame, because I couldn’t stop holding on to “meant to be.” “Meant to be” was supposed to bring us back together. I thought: “If something is “meant to be”, then it’s supposed to happen, right? All those soulmate/Twin Flame quotes told me as such. He’s got to come back then. How could he not? We’re Twin Flames. We are connected to each other’s souls. All I see are signs pointing me to him! Then why aren’t we together?”

Once I broke through the illusion of “meant to be”, I understood that free will and destiny create a dance together. Some things are meant to happen: Yes, absolutely. We are meant to meet certain people in our lives: Yes! But what we do with those meetings are our choices as human beings with free will. The people we meet have those choices as well. In a relationship, two people’s choices create the outcome.

“Meant to be” means absolute shit. We were meant to meet for a variety of soul reasons, but that’s where it ends. The future is something that you and the other person form together. And if it doesn’t work out, the universe is more than happy to send us another romantic partner your way, if we are open to love and ready for it. We have many soul mates. We just have to know how to manifest them and believe that we can. And when we are ready, they will appear. Once we stop dwelling on the ideal of “meant to be”, we may find love in the most unexpected places.

Image via Bigg World

When the Relationship Breaks: Letting Go of the Blame

“It takes two to make an accident.” ~ The Great Gatsby
A relationship either works, or it doesn’t. The two energies of the individuals either mesh, or they don’t, regardless of their connection to each other. A breakup occurs because the two people are out of balance. It takes two people to create that imbalance, two people to cause a breakup. When a relationship ends, we mourn that severed connection much like a death. We go through various stages of grieving: One of those phases is blame.
How many times have you had a relationship end and thought “If only I had done this. If only I had acted like this. If only I hadn’t done that. If only I had been better. If only I hadn’t said that. Then we would still be together.” That’s a lot of “if onlys”, don’t you think? Yet, this is the type of constant negative thinking that takes place in our heads. We create our own prisons of blame and self-hate. We live in misery and regret, continuously beating ourselves up until there’s nothing left to us. We become shells of the people we once were, nothing but zombies, because our spirits are so broken. Until we learn to forgive ourselves, we are slaves to our own destructive thoughts.
When I lost my Twin Flame, I hated myself. I put all the blame on myself. I thought: “It was all because of my stupid issues, my fear of abandonment, my fear of love, my anxiety that created our separation. If it wasn’t for those deep-seated issues of mine from childhood, we would still be together. It’s my fault. I’m the only one to blame.”
Over the course of two years, I sent him a few long letters that took me months to write, giving him all these reasons to blame me, just so he would give me a second chance. That’s how much I believed that I was the only one to blame. He never responded. He just let me take all the blame. Just because he’s my Twin Flame doesn’t mean he’s not a stubborn asshole. People think that their Twin Flames are magical beings and perfect in every way. Wrong! They’re just people: They’re human beings with flaws, insecurities, and emotional problems like everybody else in this world.
In the summer of 2013, when the pain I felt from the connection was so unrelenting, intense, and sharp, as if somebody were repeatedly stabbing me in the heart with a dagger, I performed a “Love & Beauty” spell on myself. I used the power of magick to make me love me. The spell was powerful and unbelievably effective. I felt as if it was just what I needed to heal my life at that point in time. It is one of my favorite spells I’ve ever concocted. It changed my life. I used the energy of the universe to help me love myself and see myself as beautiful, inside and out.
Within one month, I started to see the true beauty in myself and who I was as a woman. And once I loved me and thought of myself as an empowered queen, not a princess who needed a prince or a knight in shining armor, I stopped blaming myself for what had caused my separation with my twin. We were both to blame. I may have run from him, but he just let me go. He never fought for us. It wasn’t just me. It takes two people to destroy a relationship. I have fully admitted to my role in the destruction. What’s done is done.
I’ve talked to several people in recent months who are separated from their Twin Flame. They all blame themselves for the pain they have caused themselves and their twin; they all blame themselves that they’re not together. One woman told me “He was sunshine to everyone he encountered. Now he’s dead. He hides. He doesn’t create beauty anymore. I felt like we killed each other.” I experienced this as well with mine. It did feel as if we had destroyed each other just by meeting.
In the blackness of night as I lay in my bed, I could feel his pain through the energetic cords linking my soul to his, and it killed me, because I thought I was the reason. I felt so bad all the time and never realized why that pain and suffering would never dissipate. I lived in a constant state of guilt and severe regret.
I felt as if our connection permanently damaged him. I would see pictures of him through mutual friends’ pages, and he had stopped smiling the way that he used to. There was no more light behind his eyes, no more sparkle. Something had died inside of him. And I lived with the regret that he ever had to meet such a damaged person as myself. Somebody who had always been grinning and laughing, bursting with energy and life, had become a shell of himself. It’s been two years since our separation, and I have yet to see that big grin return. The last pictures I saw of him and his girlfriend, his smile is hardly a smile, and his eyes are glazed over.
When Twin Flames or even soul mates meet, individual karmic issues come to the surface so they can be healed. Oh, you have issues with your mom! Well guess what, your twin is going to show you love in the same way your mom did, or she’s going to remind you in some way of your mom. And in a past life, your twin may have even been your mom. Weird, right? When that emotional karma rears its ugly head, it causes chaos and pain within our souls. As it’s supposed to. That’s all part of the process of clearing and healing our karma.
I want to make this perfectly clear to everybody who is dealing with a Twin Flame/soul mate connection, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You need to realize that their connection to you is actually helping them. Their hurt is not because of you, even though it feels like it. Their hurt stems from ancient wounds of loss, heartbreak, abandonment, betrayal, etc. Why do you think Twin Flame and soul mate “Runners” can’t handle these relationships and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as they can! This is why.
Separated twins/soul mates always wonder why their partners leave them when the love felt so magical and perfect. It’s because you reminded them of every karmic hurt they’ve ever incurred in every lifetime. Some people can handle this. Many cannot. When they run, they’re running from all that karmic pain. This is also why they jump into surface relationships with other people so quickly after the separation. It’s a way for them to distract themselves, so they don’t have to face the mirror you’re holding, showing them their issues, aka “The Mirror Effect.”
When being with their twin is too painful, they separate and choose a less intense, easier relationship. Some even marry them! You’ll always hear separated twins say “I can’t believe he/she is with that person. They’re all wrong for him/her.” Mine included. In most cases, their current partner is probably the complete opposite of their twin; because they will do anything to not have to face the mirror, which is their twin.
In past lives, we play many roles to teach other lessons. You may be husband and wife in one life and mother and son in the next, but the connection remains the same. That’s why when you meet, you feel as if you’ve known this person your whole life. It’s the familiarity of the union that draws you in. And you think “I have a connection with this person. They feel like home.” But you have to understand that sometimes that feeling of home reminds the other person of a broken one.
We can only heal ourselves. We must not feel bad if our soul mates choose not to. They will at some point, just not with us. The universe will never stop trying to heal them. They can run, but eventually they will have no other choice but to heal. We can never truly escape what the universe wants for us.

Love is Love: Breaking Through False Beliefs

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”-  Pablo Neruda

Love is emotion. Love is energy. Love is inside us. Love is beautiful. Love is more powerful than hate. Love is life-changing. Love connects us to our souls. Love connects us to each other. Love is all-encompassing. Love heals. Love transforms. Love breaks down walls. Love is the magic of the universe. Love is our life force.

Love is not hard. Love is not obsession. Love does not hurt. Love is not pushed onto somebody else. Love is not marriage. Love is not monogamy. Love is not possession. Love is not jealousy. Love is love.

Soul mates and Twin Flames teach each other how to love without expectations and to love themselves. When I separated from my twin, I was overwhelmed with feelings of love and Divine ecstasy. Love beat rapidly from my chest; it lit my heart on fire as my heart chakra opened for the first time. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody. But this was a different love than I had ever felt.

I loved him, and I loved the sky. I loved the sunlit trees. I loved the flowers and the flock of birds flying over me in a perfect choreography, as if they were dancing a ballet only they knew. I loved the world around me. And sometimes that world was so exquisite and enchanting to me that I would find myself breaking down, sobbing. Tears ran down my face because I realized how beautiful the world was around me. My spiritual awakening lifted the veil that had been covering my eyes for 36 years. It showed me that the universe is pure magic, but we’re all just too blind to see it.

The love I felt for my twin had filled my body with so much love that it made me feel closer to God and the universe. I felt connected to everything. And I knew that was all because of the love I had for him.

He had pulled a love from inside of me, so deep and powerful like an ocean wave from my soul, that it completely transformed me. It made me realize that I had never known true love. This was not just romantic love, this was something on a whole other level. This was Divine love. My soul loved his soul. And I knew that his soul loved mine. It was all that simple.

It didn’t matter that we weren’t together. It didn’t matter that he refused to talk to me, or that he was upset with me for ruining our budding relationship. None of it mattered. That was all ego. That was all surface problems. What we had was a spiritual connection, and with that connection came a love that changed my life and who I was forever. And it was all because of something so simple and wonderful as love.

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All the Signs That Bind You: Twin Flame Connections

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind

Signs – Five Man Electrical Band

 

One of the most confusing, and downright annoying aspects of the Twin Flame connection are the never ending signs or what is known as synchronicity. Synchronicity is when you experience two or more coincidental occurrences that are linked to another. I refer to this phenomenon as “signs.”

The signs were the absolute worst part for me, because we had already separated, and all I wanted was to stop missing him. I wanted to get on with my life without him. I was consumed by thoughts of only him. I could not escape from the connection no matter how hard I tried.

There was a not a day that went by where I didn’t see or hear his name numerous times. He lived in New York City, and suddenly it seemed as if the roads were filled with cars with New York license plates. People were constantly having conversations about New York. Everybody I met was from New York. Any time I heard somebody’s cell phone go off around me, you could guarantee that they would mention New York during the conversation.

I would go to a bar and see people who looked like him. There were times I would see license plates with one word on them, and the word would resonate for me, because it brought back a memory of a moment we had shared together. It was the craziest thing, but it happened all the time. Everything around me reminded me of him. And it was overwhelming as hell. I would try to explain the signs to my closest friends, but people had no idea what it was like, because they had never experienced it. They listened to me, but they probably thought I was under stress from a broken heart and imagining it.

How do you get over somebody when you’re constantly shown how connected you are to each other? You don’t! The universe was chasing me. I didn’t understand why everything around me was about my twin. Everything in my world led back to him, but why? It gave me hope that we would reconnect, and that hope almost killed me. I thought “How could I see so many signs of this man that I love and would do anything to have him back for it not to mean that we will be together again? How is that even possible?” Unfortunately, it is.

all the signs that bind youI have read many stories of Twin Flame separations where one twin experiences these seemingly coincidental signs. No matter how much they try to run from the soul connection, they are continuously reminded of it by the universe through all the synchronicity. From my personal situation, the more I tried to “run” or forget the connection, the more I would see signs.

Let’s look at this piece of the puzzle from a spiritual standpoint first: The reason why you met your twin was to conquer all those deep issues that both of you had been carrying all your lives. That is the whole purpose. It does not matter if you end up married, living in the suburbs with three kids and a Golden Retriever. That’s not how the connection works.

The outcome of your romantic relationship is not a priority; it is only secondary to each other’s healing. The relationship outcome is dependent on you and your twin’s personal choices. So you see more signs when you’re trying to escape the connection, because the connection is what heals you. The universe wants you to heal. That’s all it cares about.

If he/she is no longer in your life due to separation, the only way you’ll fix yourself is to be reminded of that person. It’s the equivalent of the “Mirror Effect” where they reflect your issues back to you and vice versa, as if both of you are holding up mirrors. In my case, I faced my issues because my connection to him held me captive until I did. There were also lessons that I was supposed to learn. And once I learned those lessons, the chains that energetically bound me to him dissolved.

If you are in the midst of a Twin Flame connection, and you are experiencing signs, use them as a learning tool. Every time you see his/her name or a sign pointing you to them, think “What do I need to change about myself? What is the universe trying to help me heal?” The one mistake you need not to make is to think that these signs are a premonition of what’s to come in the future for you and your twin. I wasted months into years thinking my love would come back to me because of all the signs, and he never did. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn:  As much as we don’t want to believe it, sometimes we love our soul mates more than they love us.

From Torment to Butterflies: Forgiving Yourself

In life, we tend to hold on too tightly to what we have done and that which was done to us. Because we can’t let go of the past and all the hurts, we destroy the love we have for ourselves. One of the most powerful actions we can take is to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made.

If you carry the pain of yesterday, you will only feel burden. You have to let it all go; all the stagnant emotions left over from the past, the disappointment, the “what ifs”, and the regret. And the only way to release it, is to forgive yourself first.

During my spiritual/Twin Flame journey, I made many mistakes. I didn’t make sensible decisions. I let fear guide my actions; I let anxiety keep me from seeing situations clearly. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I lost friendships. I lost my twin. I hurt him. I hurt myself. I felt as if it was all my fault. Waking up each day felt like a living nightmare. How could I go on knowing that I had created the separation and done all this damage to a wonderful connection?

Over the course of two years, I tore myself apart with regret. I hated myself. And through the disdain and resentment of myself, I had to take a hard look at who I was as a person and recognize my deep-seated issues that had been bubbling to the surface for years. I worked hard to try to heal the broken pieces. But the pain of losing somebody I loved and knowing I was to blame shredded me. It had been a choice that I had made but would never stop regretting. All I did was blame myself and live in my own prison of self-flagellation and negative thinking. 

At one point, I realized I needed to forgive myself. I thought “What’s done is done. I cannot change the past as much as I am dying to. I have to accept the present. I have to forgive what I did.” And then I thought “I did the best I could. I am not perfect. I was damaged, and I needed healing.”

That night before bed, I created an affirmation for myself. I exclaimed “I forgive myself. I forgive myself for hurting him. I forgive myself for hurting me. I forgive myself, and I let it go to be healed.” After I had said it all, I cried. I let it all out, every molecule of hurt that I had been carrying with me, all the regret, and I let all of it go.

Forgiving myself was the first step in an incredibly painful, eye-opening journey. It helped me become the person that I am today. It helped me love myself. You cannot love yourself if you hate yourself. Carrying regret for one’s actions only leads to self-hate.

You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Once you accept the imperfections, you let love in. When you let love into yourself, you attract love. All the pain of yesterday is transformed by the love you have for yourself. That is how powerful love is. Love turns torment into butterflies.

 

The Swan

Yesterday, as I was getting out of my car, carrying all my groceries to the back door of my apartment, I noticed a single swan sitting on a piece of ice on top of the Charles River. I stopped to gaze at him, because he was so beautiful. He was at peace, and he wasn’t frightened by my presence. He was just out on the ice, chillin’.

About a year before, I had been lucky enough to see two swans swimming in the river. At the time, I felt as if it was some sign about my twin flame and me. Swans pair up for life. During our separation between my twin and me, I had always thought we would able to reconcile and get back together. We should have been like those swans, but we weren’t. My fairy tale did not end with him.

When I came across the swan yesterday, I noticed that he wasn’t with a partner. He was by himself. I looked to see if his mate was around, but she was not there. I told my mom that I had seen one swan, and she said “Swans mate for life. Something must have happened to the other swan.” To think that something tragic had happened to his swan love made me sad, but it also helped me recognize a lovely message from Spirit.

Even though the swan was no longer with his partner, he was okay. He was still living, and seemed perfectly content on the ice, basking in the late afternoon rays of sunshine. Life goes on. The world continues to spin, regardless if he is with her or not. Being without your twin is not the end of the world. You can find true happiness being apart from a person you loved the most. The swans were on a journey together, and now one has taken on that journey by himself. I am that swan. And in some regards, my life is better because of it.

Update: The next day, the same swan was back on the ice, but this time he was with his swan wife. It gave me hope that I would find my own special swan someday with whom I could spend my life.

What You Need to Know About the Twin Flame Connection

Twin Flames meet to heal and transform each other. That is their only purpose. The universe doesn’t care if you have a romantic relationship with each other. You are contracted to meet. What you do with that meeting is between you and your twin. Through free will, each is given the choice to heal or not. Some may choose to stay despite the rollercoaster of emotions and intense love and heal. Some may choose to run away and never come back and not heal.

In the case of my twin, he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see. That was the message given to me by Spirit. I desperately wanted to heal his wounded soul, but he didn’t want that. Healing his emotional karma meant that he would have to do introspection and inner work, and he chose not to. His life consists of parties and friends; he engages in anything that will distract him from having to look at himself.

Once we separated, he built a wall between us, so he would be able to block me out forever. And it worked. After a few attempts over the past two years on my part to communicate with him, he ignored me. The rejection almost killed me.

Through his rejection of me, I was pushed into the depths of my soul to face my deepest, most painful issues. I was forced to look within and fix the broken pieces of myself. I spent what seemed like an eternity healing my emotional/karmic wounds. I thought the process would never end.

I grew increasingly more depressed and anxious, trying to repair all the damaged parts of myself, with the hopes that through my healing, my twin would heal himself and we would get back together. It never happened. And it will most likely never happen in this lifetime.

I have finally come to a point where I am completely content with that thought. He has chosen his path, and all I can do is to respect his choice. I have chosen my path as well. He wouldn’t be happy with the type of deep love that I wish to have with a man. And I wouldn’t be happy with the type of surface love that he seeks. He is too damaged to truly love somebody. I am healed and ready to love with every cell of my being. Our paths are different.

I see the type of woman he has chosen as a girlfriend, and it’s made me realize who he is. It was the one thing I had never been able to see in the situation. With Twin Flames, you fall in love with their souls first. I loved his soul, and because of that I assumed I knew the type of person he was. I was under the impression, he was authentic, but he was the furthest thing from that.

He tries to be everything he’s not, because he is too wounded to be his true self. Hurt people are frightened to show people who they truly are. He hides his emotions and wears “masks.” For a brief moment in time, he showed me his true self, but it was fleeting. And once he hid it again, I desperately tried to bring it back, but he wouldn’t allow it. That was the beginning of the end for us.

During our fight, I called him out on it. I told him he that he was full of shit, and he tried to pretend he didn’t have feelings for me when he did. I basically said he tried to be somebody he was not so he wouldn’t have to be himself. This is what Twin Flames do to each other: they stir up the shit. They try to make each other see what needs to be fixed. I was basically holding up a mirror to him, saying “You need to fix this about yourself.”

There were mistakes I made that night, and I have forgiven myself. Flying off the handle is never the way to deal with a situation. Pushing somebody to be their authentic selves, or even pushing them to heal themselves is never the solution.

The experience made me learn many lessons about myself, as well as dealing with other people. You can’t make somebody do something they don’t want to do. He did not want to heal. And he didn’t want to give me a chance to help him heal. His soul had made a choice. There was no changing that.

I am sick of reading post after post on Twin Flame relationships, where the twin is pining after the other for years and years, and there is no talk of anything new. Where are the stories about how the twins never came back together, but they found happiness with other people? Does it ever happen? Nobody knows, because nobody ever writes about new relationships. By what I’ve gathered from reading stories online, apparently, you meet your twin, and if it doesn’t work out, you’re screwed, doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. That’s far from the truth, but by the lack of information on the internet, that’s what would they would lead you to believe.

Blog after blog, article after article, it’s the same bullshit: Somebody met their twin; it was love at first sight. Everything was heaven on earth, but then something happened and they split apart. Now one of the twins is in complete agony from the separation and the other one is living life, having romantic relationships, totally unaffected. Sound familiar?

From what I’ve seen, and I’ve read everything there is on Twin Flames, the internet is inundated with only the romantic elements of the Twin Flame journey without any of the reality. Nobody ever mentions getting back together after a Twin Flame separation. And nobody discusses new relationships. So what, you just crawl into a ball after you separate from your twin and die alone?? All the stayers turn into Miss Havisham, waiting for a phone that will never ring, or the return of a twin that will never happen? Give me a fucking break.

Part of the reason why this connection is so difficult, is because there is so little comfort or information available. It seems as if every Twin Flame blog I go to, is just a bunch of copied and pasted crap from somewhere else. Nobody has anything new to say about it. It leads me to believe that the people who are writing about this specific connection have no clue what they’re talking about; or they have never experienced the phenomenon but are trying to to make money by writing about it or by advertising their “Twin Flame” readings.

Let me tell you one thing about “Twin Flame” readings, Spirit will only give you the information they want you to know at that time. In the midst of one of these connections, it’s best to look within for the answers, or connect with a Reiki or shamanic healer to guide you and heal your energetic blockages along the way.

During this particular journey: Tarot readings are not the answer. I love tarot cards, but these connections go too deep for you to be able to get a good reading. The energy between the twins fluctuates so much and so sporadically that your readings will never be entirely accurate. Trust me on this one. I tried reading for myself, as well as getting tarot readings by one of the best psychics in my city for two years, and there were many times, both of us got it wrong.

In my experience, my Reiki shamanic healer, Maura, was able to help me the most.

Maura has saved my life many times during this incredibly heart-wrenching process. She was the one who was able to clear out the last of the negative energy and pain that I had been holding on to since the end of 2011. She is available for distance healing if any of you are looking for a healer who can help them. I highly recommend an intuitive healing session with her. My life would never be the same without her. If you are unable to book an appointment with her, seek out a Reiki healer. It is one of the best decisions I ever made during my spiritual journey.

If you are going through a Twin Flame or soul mate connection and you have questions about the journey, please feel free to contact me through this blog. I will be happy to talk to you about your specific situation and give you some guidance. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.

The one line that I have said to myself to help me heal the past and let it go is:
“I did the best I could being the person I was at that time.”

Image via Last Light Art by Adam LoRusso

The Twin Flame Connection: Why Is This Bond So Strong?

The Twin Flame connection is not a soulmate connection. It is far stronger. It works on a deeper level. Meeting a soulmate can be a life-changing experience, but meeting a Twin Flame, alters every cell of your being. It transforms you. But it also imprisons you.

Imagine waking up every day and feeling like you belong to this person, and he/she belongs to you. And yet they are not in your life. You do not even talk to each other. What would that feel like? You feel loss and torment. Some days are better than others. There are even moments where you feel unaffected by the connection, and you think “I’m getting over this. I’m moving on.” But the next morning you wake up with his/her energy all around you, and you find yourself weeping because you miss your twin so much. This is the Twin Flame connection.

Surviving The Connection

At first, there is no getting over it or moving on: There is only surviving. There is only making it through each day. When you try to run from the signs connecting you to your twin, the signs will increase. When you try to have feelings for another man/woman, your dreams of your twin will intensify. Nobody, except for the people who have met their twins, will understand this. This is not a regular, romantic love or want: This goes beyond all logic and reason. You LOVE this person. You love this person more than you’ve ever loved anyone, period. And every day, you are shown by the Universe how strong that love is, whether you’re with that person or not.

This has nothing to do with how compatible you are, your relationship issues with this person, or if one of you is rejecting the other. None of that matters. So do yourself a favor, and do not try to get relationship advice from others. It will be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And save all your bullshit relationship cliches that you see on Facebook for another relationship. They mean absolutely nothing in this one.

Divine Love

This spiritual connection is about two souls. It’s not based on what you did to him/her, what you two fight about, why he is mad at you, why you are mad at him, how he is running, how you are running, etc. NO. NOTHING. It’s based on the purest form of love in this world you will ever feel. It is centered around two souls feeling DIVINE LOVE.

Once these twins meet each other in this world, their connection is so strong and all-encompassing; the bonds are so tight like being chained to the other person’s soul, that all they can do is learn how to love each other, love themselves, and find peace and happiness. There is no key to surviving it. You just have to have the will to do it. You have to believe that “This too shall pass.” You have to know that you will live through it. You have to have the strength to create your own destiny with or without your Twin Flame.

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A Recipe to Lift Your Spirits

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” – Carl Jung

The holidays are approaching: It can be a depressing time for many of us. This time of year brings out our feelings. We reflect on the year, on our lives, our love lives. And not every year is going to be wonderful. Some years are better than others.

We may be dealing loneliness, separations from the ones we still love, or we may be experiencing the feeling that time was wasted. The holidays signal the end of a year. Maybe we feel as if we could have done better, made more of an effort at some point during the year, and we didn’t. Instead we let time slip by us.

Through our perception, it’s almost the New Year, and we have little to show for it; we didn’t accomplish what we had hoped. These feelings are normal, and they happen to the best of us. We are our own worst critics. We mustn’t be too hard on ourselves.

Over the past two years, I’ve struggled with depression. I know the torment and the hopelessness that some of you may be feeling. And through trial and error, I have tried many methods to heal and energize myself. I was able to pull myself out of the abyss. I want to share with you my magickal recipe to lift your spirits.

You’re going to laugh, but this advice was given to me by my spiritual mentor, and it worked! Buy a few items for your home in the color, crimson. 


It’s a deep red. You need bursts of crimson in your surroundings to pull you out of the darkness. There is something about the color that will invigorate you. My cat died last year: I remember staring up at my crimson-colored Chinese lanterns, still feeling somewhat alive. I knew the crimson was having a positive effect. It was helping me through a dismal time.
The next step is you will need to buy a yellow candle. You will think of this candle’s energy as “sunshine” and “happiness.” The energy of the candle will fill your home. Burn it all the way down. If you need to leave the house, snuff it out, do not blow it out, then relight it when you get home. It can be any size candle. 
Buy a hematite bracelet, ring, or necklace. You want the stone close to your skin. It will help energetically ground you and keep you emotionally balanced. The Egyptians called it the “worry stone.” When we’re filled with anxiety, depressed, fearful, our energy becomes unbalanced. Hematite is cheap. You can buy a bracelet like this. 

Here is some more information on hematite.

I am offering these suggestions, because I know they work. If you do try these methods or have any, post your experiences in the comments.






I Was a Twin Flame Runner: My Story

Last year, in the midst of my Twin Flame journey when I was in the deepest agony, I turned to a now defunct website devoted to Twin Flames called Twin Soul Revelations for support. It was run by a woman named Skye, who closed that site and opened another called Mirror Spirits. She writes quite extensively on the subject of Twin Souls aka Twin Flames. She knew I was a Runner in my Twin Flame connection, so she asked me to write a piece from the Runner’s perspective. She was kind enough to publish it on her blog under my pseudonym, Belladonna.
Recently, I was trying to locate a copy of it, and Googled to see if it was available online so I could post it here. I was surprised that it had been spread to several websites. However, my name is unlisted. This is my story, and I stand by every word I wrote. People need to know what it’s like to be the Runner in a Twin Flame connection. They need to understand how it feels, and how blinded by fear they are. They need to see how a Runner choses fear over love, because that’s all they’ve ever known.
 
I will be posting more on the topic of Twin Flames, and the Runner/Chaser dynamic. I have been both. I was the Runner, then something changed, and I became the Chaser. My twin is currently running from the connection, but most importantly, he’s running from himself.
 
This is my story:
i was a twin flame runner

I am a Runner. I ran from the connection. It literally took me 6 months to even see that I was the one who was running. What you have to understand about the Runner is they are in absolute agony, and they are being pulled by the energy of the connection, which is absolutely maddening.

I felt my own pain, but I also felt my Twin Soul’s pain. It was a feeling of panic. I would wake up with it, and it was the most awful feeling. The only way I can describe it is waking up from a sound, peaceful sleep and in a matter of seconds, you feel extreme anxiety and this ungodly feeling of loss. Your heart is actually hot and it pounds; your chest is sweating. It’s the sensation of a nightmare where you’re being chased, only you’re awake. That’s how I would wake up every morning.  

Combined with feeling his pain and emotions, I was also feeling this incredible pull towards him. Everything in my body was telling me that I need to be with this man. But, something was telling me inside that I was not ready. Something was telling me I needed to really look hard at myself and my issues and fix myself, so what happened with my Twin Soul would never happen again.

I knew that even if he called me and told me how much he missed and loved me, I would still be a mess. There would never be a happily ever after until I did the work on myself. So I ran. And by running, I dove further into myself (if that makes sense) to fix what was broken inside me.

I stopped going out with my friends and became a hermit. I worked and came home, and that’s it. I was in an emotional coma. I was dealing with the loss of my Twin Soul, the strong energies that were pulling me to him, his pain, my own pain, and to top it all off, I was going through a spiritual awakening: I was a mess.
i was a twin flame runnerBut I also knew this was my time to fix all my issues. I knew I had to run and be myself to do it. I love my Twin Soul so much that I didn’t want him to have to deal with me until I had fixed myself. So I disappeared. I took myself off Facebook, and I became a ghost. I honestly didn’t even know I was running from him.
 
In the meantime, I saw signs every day telling me that this connection to him was the real deal. I felt chased by the Universe. I kept thinking “Please leave me alone! I’m just trying to get over him, and you’re making this really hard!” In my head, I thought he was the one who had run out on me. That’s how crazy these connections can make you. The energy is so strong that you feel like you’re going insane.
It wasn’t until April/May 2012, when I had the realization that I was the one who had run, and I was the one who was still running. I saw everything clearly and I thought about our fight and the way things had played out. And I realized that I couldn’t deal with the intensity of the connection anymore, so I said “If you want me gone, I’m gone.”

I saw it as me giving him an out because I thought that’s what he wanted, but he didn’t. He ended up taking the out because he thought I wanted it. We mirrored each other’s fears. I’m sure by forcing his hand to end it, I broke his heart. I hurt him, but I hurt myself, too, in unfathomable ways. Even as spiritually awakened as I was, I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I couldn’t see that I was the one who had ended it. I couldn’t see that I was running.

Runners leave the relationship out of fear. They are scared to death. They are frightened of the intense love they feel for their Twin Soul. They are so terrified that this feeling of love is one-sided that they high-tail it out of the relationship as fast as their sneakers can take them! But where does this fear come from? The fear comes from deep-seated issues that have plagued this person for not only all of this lifetime, but previous lifetimes.
This is what is meant by “karma.” Karma is soul memory. In our past lives, we experience many things that will teach us lessons. These lessons can come in the form of losing the loves of our lives, being abandoned, betrayal by somebody we love, or even somebody killing us, and the soul never forgets. The pain of all those things resonates within us, until we do the work to clear and heal the karma and the issues, once and for all, which is exactly what Twin Soul connections do.

 

But nothing about the process is easy. It’s incredibly painful. It truly is a blessing, but it will feel like a curse sometimes. It’s the universe’s way of fixing us. With extreme pain, comes change and transformation. During these separations, only until you have seen the darkness will you see the sun. It is something that we must accept as we move through this spiritual journey.
By meeting the Twin Soul, a mirror is held up in front of the Runner’s eyes, and they can see everything that is wrong with them. All those issues of self-love, abandonment, codependency, etc., come to the surface. Suddenly, this person sees their issues, issues that they’ve avoided for possibly lifetimes, and it’s terrifying, so they run, run, run. They don’t even know what they’re running from. They just know they need to get out. And by getting out, they leave their Twin Soul behind. Many of you may blame your Runners for walking out on you, starting new relationships, and rejecting one of the most Divine unions a person can ever be blessed to have, but you have to realize that this is all part of their journey to find themselves. They cannot be with you until they do that.
Some people aren’t as spiritually enlightened, so it’s going to take them longer to find their way back to you. Some people will try to distract themselves any way they can (relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc.) so they don’t have to face their issues, but trust me, they don’t have a choice. They can put it off, but it will happen. You can’t fight the universe.
When I ran from my Twin Soul, I loved him more than I loved myself, because I didn’t know how to love myself, which was one of my issues. True love must come from within before you can give it to another person. You have to love yourself first, or a relationship will never work between you two. There is no way around it either: Once the energies between Twin Souls become unbalanced, you separate, and the universe forces you to balance the energies, whether you like it or not. The only way to come back together is for each of you to work on yourself separately. Only through inner love and happiness will a reconnection take place.
In the meantime, you have to accept that they are on a personal journey, and you can’t blame them or feel that they’ve abandoned you. They haven’t. It all goes deeper than it seems. What you see on the surface is a person who has left you because they don’t care about you, but if you look into the spiritual side, you will see they have left because they love you so much that they have to become stronger just so they can handle the firestorm of love and emotions they truly feel.
They have to be able to look at you aka their “Mirror”, and like what they see. Some of them aren’t ready to do that. Some of them haven’t found the love within themselves yet. And some of them have a deep soul knowing that they’re not ready to be with you. It’s okay. Let them find themselves. And if that involves having other relationships, you must accept it is a part of their journey, as difficult as that may be.
No pushing on your part will ever make them come back. They will come back when it’s time. The only thing you can do is do the inner work, find peace amidst the chaos, and balance amidst the pain and pull of the connection, and love yourself. Loving yourself is the key to surviving this Divine connection. Without love in your heart, you will only experience pain. And ultimately, the pain will keep you from reconnecting. Love will bring you back to each other. And if it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, love will always bring you back to your true SELF.

Trying to Control the Future When You Can’t

During this spiritual transformation, I have been forced to learn some hard lessons. One of those lessons is that I can’t control the future. I can’t control my romantic future. As much as I love my soul connection, I have no control over our future together. We could reconnect, or we could never. I can’t control ANYTHING. I can only live in the present, and let life flow as it’s meant to. The Universe has the reins to our lives.

You can’t plan out your life. It’s impossible. There are so many factors, so many little choices that lead to big choices, destiny and free will intertwine, and the energy of the Universe pushes us into experiencing so many different things to shape our soul. Our lives create soul growth. With each passing lifetime, we experience more soul development.

Spirit does not want to reveal our future to us. Even when you have a tarot reading or see an intuitive, they are only given glimpses of “possible future outcomes.” Nothing is set in stone. You are not meant to know everything that will happen to you. You are meant to experience life as it comes. The more you try to control your future, the unhappier you will be.

Nothing will ever happen soon enough for your liking. You will stop living for the moment and only live for the future. That is no way to live. Life is a beautiful journey. You have to enjoy each day as it comes. You have to experience the joy in not knowing. You have to trust that the Universe is creating a Divine life for you, and the more you trust, the more at peace you will be.

The key to life is finding the balance, finding the serenity, finding the true happiness within your SELF. It is not looking through a crystal ball trying to see what your life WILL be, it is living your life and letting things happen as they happen.

My Spiritual Awakening: How It All Began

My spiritual awakening happened as if a veil had been lifted, and I could see something that had always been there, but my eyes had been covered. But there’s something so disconcerting about seeing the world one way for 36 years, and then all of a sudden, viewing it a completely different way. I constantly wondered if other people were seeing the same electric reds and oranges in the sky or the white tufts of cotton clouds that looked as if they had been painted in watercolors. I questioned my sanity many times. It was impossible not to.

You feel so alone. Even the people you love the most do not understand what you’re going through. Some days, you feel like you’re dying. Your ego fights your true self, and your ego tells you that you need to feel a certain way, and if you don’t feel that way, you’re not “normal.” Your true self aka Higher Self shouts it from the tree tops that everything is in perfect order and this is the way that you’re supposed to feel, but there’s the little voice, the ego telling you it’s not. So all you do is doubt the experience, even though it’s happening right in front of your eyes.

The awakening revealed itself to me in magical, beautiful ways: It was as if the mystery of the Universe was unraveling before my eyes. Suddenly, everything felt in sync. Many times, flocks of birds flew over my car as I drove, in perfect synchronicity Repeating numbers and triple digit numbers like “222″ or “777″ appeared everywhere as I noticed the world around me more and more. I constantly heard random conversations that were somehow always connected to my Twin Flame and the city where he lived. The more I recognized the signs, the more I saw. During the first year of my separation from him, the signs bombarded me in a spiritual frenzy of synchronicity.

My awakening was triggered by separating from the man I loved, my Twin Flame. We were so connected that I felt his emotions even though we were hundreds of miles apart, and at times, I sensed his energy around me. Once, I actually heard him say something to me in my head. It was the feeling of loving somebody times a thousand and losing them times a million. The pain of losing a soul partner is unbearable. I’m honestly surprised that I’m still alive: There were some days, I thought I would die of a broken heart and a shredded soul.

Even though we had technically known each for a few months, I felt like we had known each other for years. When we separated, a part of my soul died, or at least it felt as if it had. This was not regular breakup pain; this was an incredible, unrelenting pain that was embedded so deep in my soul that I had never experienced anything even close to it. It had felt like somebody I had been married to for 50 years had died. Regardless of whether or not we are in each other’s lives: We have a soul connection. We are Twin Flames.

Nothing will ever change that. Our connection is spiritual. The romantic relationship that we had was secondary to it. This is a Divine connection. We were meant to meet to heal and transform each other. I like to refer to Twin Flames as “Fire and Ice Partners” because they challenge one another, (as they’re supposed to.) The fire is always trying to melt the ice, and the ice is always trying to put out the fire. This is why Twin Flame connections are not easy and many of them do not last.

These Divine connections will shake your world upside down. It’s a roller coaster, and the only thing you can do is stay on the ride. This is the reason why you can’t talk to anybody about these Twin Flame connections. The people you try to talk to have no clue what you’re talking about, because until you’ve lived it, you have no idea and you can’t even fathom how intense and spiritually charged these connections are. It’s like climbing Mt. Everest and trying to relate to a room full of people who have never been on a mountain. This connection and separation from him is by far, the most powerful and painful experience of my entire life.

It took me six months to process the connection and ultimately, the awakening. During those crucial months, I wasn’t there: I was in an emotional coma. Everything in my world seemed to stop moving, and I fell into an abyss that I finally crawled out of after two years of solid misery and emotional pain. My mind was always fighting it, always choosing to intellectualize the awakening. Unfortunately for me, being in my head is where I feel the most comfortable. I analyze everything I’m going through a thousand times until my head is a jumbled mess.

At the time of my awakening, my ego and soul were not aligned, therefore the two were always at odds with each other. My ego kept trying to deny the spiritual awakening and the entire Twin Flame process of clearing and healing karma. But my soul knew everything was happening as it should be, and I was just where I needed to be at that point in my life. Everything was going to according to Divine plan, but my ego fought it all, tooth and nail.

Now I am learning to live in the moment. It is a lesson for me. I have many lessons to learn, and soul connections and spiritual awakenings make you face those lessons head on. You have no choice but to learn them. You can’t fight the Universe, as much as you want or try. The more you try to resist what the Universe wants for you, the more resistance you will experience. Once you let the reins go, everything will flow.