Sunset

 

Written By Monique Colette

One winter night to help me ease my pain, I wrote a poem about the type of love I wanted. It was the first time in years I had felt hope that I could find it. It was the night I finally let him go. I had finally had the courage to go online and look at his friends’ pictures and see him with his girlfriend. They seemed very happy together. I was the outsider, and I had been the outsider for two years. He shut me out and never let me back in. He went on with his life. And I was stuck mourning the past, unable to move on.

This one particular night, I accepted that he was with her, even though I had been seeing them together in my dreams for a solid year. I had known he was with her, but I never wanted to face the truth. I cried. We had never had a chance to build anything together. Everything burnt to the ground as quickly as we got together. For two years, I had been living in an empty castle of broken dreams and regret.

Without thinking about what I was going to write, I picked up a pen and a pad of paper and the words just poured out. It was all stream of consciousness. I didn’t even re-read it. I wrote it and stashed it away. I found it recently, and I read it. And I cried because I remembered how healing it felt to write about another man, another type of love from what I had experienced. I wrote this poem about my vision of true love. I remembered how what I wrote that night helped me move on from a love so deep, painful,  and transformative that it almost destroyed me.*

Sunset

Shred my soul

I will love again

Make me feel the light

Be the sun that shines upon my skin

You free me

You heal the broken pieces

I feel you

I love you

You tremble

under my touch 

You moan

my name under your breath

You break apart my fear

The moon shimmers on us

Pierce my heart

I feel you in my veins

Let my kiss heal you

The light illuminates the dark

The heat melts the ice

I want to love you

Make the rain wash away the hurt

Tear me apart so I can feel you

Stars fall upon us as our lips touch

Let the ruin bind us

Your love surrounds me

My body shivers when you grasp me

The sunset burns our skin

Say my name in the dark

My heart beats under you

Taste me

Taste my sweat

Feel my body rise and fall

Love me

Crave me

Heal me

Touch me in ways you’ve never touched before

I see the light in your soul and the scars on your heart

Hold me

Let the whole world spin

Surrender

Inside us a fire burns

Dive into the ocean

Never let me go

Let everything shatter until we see the sun

Let me be the air you breathe

Let the cups overflow

The thunder shakes us

You are everything I have dreamed

Shine your love upon me

Hold me and I will hold you

Promise I will never break again

Twin Flame Challenges

“Love that is not madness is not love.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca

During my Twin Flame journey, one thing I kept asking myself was “Why is this so hard?” I had always thought when you met the love of your life, everything would be smooth sailing. But when I met my twin, there was nothing easy about it. Meeting him triggered all my issues.

Something about him brought out a deep-seated fear in me, which manifested itself as severe anxiety. I had never felt this before when I was first dating somebody. It was intense. What was supposed to be a wonderful time of getting to know each other and building a foundation never seemed to give me any pleasure. I was so scared that it was going to end that I could never enjoy it. I put on a good face for him, but he had no idea the personal hell I was suffering through. My head was a prison of negative thinking and fear. I was in a constant state of worry. I just wanted him to love me. And nothing else mattered in my life except that need for him to love me.

All my fears, all the dysfunctions, all the toxic thoughts reared their ugly heads, which ultimately caused our separation. Meeting my twin drove me to madness. Why? Because he connected me to MYSELF. Twin Flames are made from the same soul: One is the Divine feminine, and the other is the Divine masculine. Regardless of what we may have read: These are two different entities, and they do not need one another to be complete. If we meet our Twin Flame, and we don’t have a relationship with him/her or the relationship ends, it’s okay. We are whole with or without the other twin. We must never believe otherwise.

By connecting me to myself, I was forced to deal with my mind, which was the equivalent of a cluttered attic that needed a good cleaning, but I never wanted to take the time to do it. Once I met my twin, the universe grabbed hold of me and said “Guess what you’re going to be working on! YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR ATTIC. You’ve put it off long enough!” And the universe will lock the door until the job is done. This is why we feel chained to our twins. We can’t escape the connection until we clean our attics.

People have asked me “How do you know what your issues are?” And I always tell them “They reveal themselves to you over the course of an introspection process.” If you start to look inward, the universe will show you what they are. Embrace it: This is your lifetime to heal.

Your issues may manifest themselves in your dreams. If you’re dreaming of your twin, how is he/she acting toward you? How is the dream making you feel? If there are other people in the dream, how are they acting? How are they making you feel? Keep a pad of paper by your bed, so you can write them down. When you have a dream, immediately write down whatever you remember. The longer you’re awake after a dream, the more you’ll forget.

During this time, you may want to meditate for at least 5 minutes every day. This will center you and connect you to your Higher Self. You may even receive guidance easier after meditating. And it’s a fantastic way to relax. If you don’t like meditation, try yoga. My yoga instructor calls yoga “moving meditation.” It works the same way, only you get a great workout at the same time.

Buy a journal. Write down any songs or phrases that pop into your head. If you hear a random conversation where you have a gut feeling that you’re meant to hear it, listen closely. Pay attention to your thoughts. If you feel guided to read a certain book, take a class, or even schedule an appointment for some type of self-improvement session or therapy, do it!

Your Spirit Guides and Angels are doing everything they can to help you heal. All you have to do is listen to your intuition. You will be surprised by everything you discover about yourself. It’s as if there is a magnifying glass on all your broken pieces. The universe wants you to fix yourself once and for all. And it uses this Twin Flame connection to do it.

Looking inward is difficult: This is the reason why many twins run from the connection. It’s easier to run than it is to face our issues. My twin decided not to do the inner work. The universe gave him the opportunity, but he chose otherwise.

I spent two years carrying the guilt and pain of him not choosing the path to heal. It was destroying me. It took for me to sink into a deep depression that I could no longer fight my way through, to realize I needed help. I had hit bottom. I was in an abyss that I couldn’t escape. I was a shell of the person I once was. I knew I needed to book a session with my spiritual teacher/healer. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. Something had to change. I had to save my life.

My Reiki healer told me I was ready to let him go. It was time. I had learned my lessons. And she told me that I had to let him heal himself and not to feel any more blame. I had to now focus on myself and my happiness.

My soul was enmeshed in his soul, taking on all his issues and emotional wounds. It’s no wonder I felt like I was drowning in hopelessness all the time. I wanted him to heal so badly, that I was trying to do all the work for him. It was the equivalent of me cleaning out his attic night and day until I was exhausted and ready to pass out while he was out having fun, doing everything to avoid it. But that’s not how it works: He needs to clean his own attic! And if he doesn’t want to clean it, it’s not my problem.

We have to let our twins do their own healing. And we can’t help them or rush the process. If our twins do not choose to heal, there is nothing we can do. We have to let them go. We have to envision them walking with us down a path. I like to imagine it as the “Yellow Brick Road.” We’re holding hands with our twins, and suddenly our twins stop and say “I can’t go any further. I’m not ready to go where you’re heading.” And with that, we give them a loving hug and let go of their hand and continue on our way.

We have to realize that letting them go is a way for us to express our unconditional love to them. We can’t drag them, and they don’t want to be dragged. We have to accept that our journey continues regardless if they’re by our sides. And we must know that they will always be connected to our souls. Nothing will ever change that. How can we ever be separated if their soul is perpetually touching ours? And one of the biggest challenges of the Twin Flame connection is not only understanding that truth, but taking comfort in it.

 

The Imbalance of Karmic Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship that never seemed to work, nobody how hard you tried? Have you ever desperately wanted to be with somebody who didn’t want to be with you? Have you ever obsessed about a lover? These are all the signs of a karmic relationship.

Any time you have feelings for somebody who can’t commit to you, you are most likely in a karmic relationship. There is always an imbalance in the relationship: One partner may want to be with the other person more than the other; their partner may not feel as strongly about them as they do. Karmic relationships tend to be one-sided. Because they’re one-sided, somebody always ends up unfulfilled and hurt.

You’re either together or you’re not. It’s just that simple, and the people who don’t understand this are rejecting the harsh truth about relationships. These people see what they want to see, as many of us do from time to time, especially when our emotions are involved.

Relationships are all about balance. Think of two anchors intertwined. The two people keep each other balanced. So what happens when there’s only one anchor in the relationship? One person, alone, cannot sustain the relationship, as much as they want or try. If you’re the only one trying to make it work, it will not survive.

You may break up and continue talking to each other, or you may separate and get back together over and over: We hear of these couples all the time. They’re continuously on and off in a dysfunctional wheel that never seems to stop. Nothing ever changes, because each partner plays the same role every time in the relationship. They could get back together twenty times, and the relationship would play out just as it had the last nineteen.

Karmic relationships teach us lessons, and they show us our destructive patterns. If we meet a man/woman who is emotionally unavailable, they are showing us what we are putting out into the universe. Maybe we don’t believe in love. Maybe we’re not ready to love. They are mirroring our energy. When we don’t love ourselves, we attract people who don’t love us. And sometimes we attract toxic relationships, because we think that’s all we deserve.

If the relationship is no longer working, and you don’t see a solid future together, it’s best to break the cycle of dysfunction. Jump off the karmic loop. Let it go once and for all. Karmic relationships may bind us temporarily, but they never hold us permanently. We have the power to rule our lives like the Kings and Queens that we are. And when that happens, we control our relationships; they no longer control us.

Image via Fanpop

The Soul Mate Experience

People have asked me “What does it feel like to meet a soul mate or a Twin Flame?” I tell them “It’s warm and comfortable. It feels like home. It’s a wonderful feeling. It’s as if you know them, and they know you. You could talk for hours and not even realize time has passed. It’s like catching up with an old friend.”

In my experience, a soul mate connection never needs to be forced. It will just happen. Problems arise when our own insecurities and issues get in the way. You meet somebody that you have this incredible instantaneous connection with, and you get scared because you either don’t think you’re worthy of that type of love or you fear that love. Fear within ourselves turns to anxiety. Anxiety kills love.

The love between soul mates is an incredible thing, but that love must be cultivated and given room to grow. Think of love like a flower garden. When two soul mates first meet, they plant a seed. As a flower grows, it has to be given just enough water and sunshine. The dirt that holds it must be just right: It can’t be too sandy or rocky. The soil must be moist, but not soaking wet. Love is the same way.

Once a seed in the relationship is planted, you have to take your time and have patience, so that the roots grow strong in the ground. Seeds do not need to be over-watered, just as a budding relationship does not need to be flooded by somebody’s emotions. It is possible for one person to love too much and scare the other one away. Pushing your love onto somebody will only push them away. Everything in moderation. In love, you must ease into your emotions with each other, and you must have a solid foundation, or the relationship will break apart.

The reasons why most soul mate relationships do not work out is because there is a lack of a foundation, and without that foundation, one fight might break up your entire relationship. It happened to me with my Twin Flame! We had one nasty fight, and he refused to ever talk to me again. That was it. Our relationship ended as quickly as it had begun. Our house crumbled, because there was nothing supporting it. I’ve read countless accounts online from others talking about soul mate separations that were caused by meaningless arguments. It happens all the time.

My best advice is to go slowly and take your time to get to know each other. Let the energy flow and things happen in their own time. Love does not ever have to be rushed.

When you meet a soul mate, often feelings of love arise before you even know the person. I once met a soul mate, and we fell in love with each other as soon as our eyes met. I had never believed in “love at first sight” until that moment. As soon as I spotted him dancing with his friends at the club where I worked, I felt like I knew him. And he felt the same about me. Sometimes you just know. 

So where did it go wrong with us? We rushed the relationship. We were only together a week, maybe, before we told each other that we loved another. We both knew that we were soul mates. We could feel the connection because we were sensitive to it. He had been psychic since he was a child, and my psychic skills were only budding. By meeting him, it helped me grow spiritually. I had grown up Catholic, so I had always had faith in a Higher Power, but this was the first time, I actually felt closer to God through the love I felt for my soulmate.

The feelings were too intense between us. He had issues that were coming to the surface, and he ran instead of dealing with them. He had been trying to break up with me for a solid month, but he couldn’t go through with it. He would break up with me, and within minutes be crying in my arms. He couldn’t let me go. At one point he said “I know you are my soul mate, but I don’t understand why it’s not working.” I think he thought that just because I was his soul mate, I was supposed to be the solution to all his problems, but that’s not how it works. Soul mate or not, I was only a human being with my own set of flaws and insecurities. His issues could only be fixed by him. 

One Saturday afternoon, he called me and broke up with me. He said he didn’t love me. He said I didn’t challenge him. He said I wasn’t the woman for him. He said he had met somebody the weekend before (somebody I had been introduced to!) and they clicked with each other. With one phone call, he ended it. Our love was fiery magic, but because our relationship progressed too quickly, we burned everything to the ground. He chose to be with a woman who was not a soul mate, because it was easier. He was a drug addict.

When he was with me, I showed him a reflection of himself that he knew he had to change. With her, she was not holding any mirror in front of him. He could be an addict. He didn’t have to fix anything within himself. She was easy to be with for that reason. Their relationship lasted a year. He called me and told me that it hadn’t worked out. And he said that he wasn’t meant to be in a relationship with anybody. It wasn’t for him. He called me to apologize how he had ended things with me. And no, he didn’t want me back.

In drug-fueled moments, he would call me to see how I was doing. He had chosen drugs over me. And knowing that destroyed me. I changed my number at one point and lost touch with him for good. It was better that way. His sporadic bursts of communication were only putting rubbing alcohol in a gaping wound.

It took me several years to get over him. These connections burn into your skin, your soul, you heart; they brand every cell of your being with love. But when that person is out of your life, the love remains and the heartbreak stays. It’s hell on earth to lose a soul mate. You feel like dying inside. Your whole world turns to blackness. You go through the motions of your existence, but your soul is completely numb. When I think back to the separation, it’s as if I had blacked out. Chunks of time are missing. It’s as if my mind had given up trying to remember all the sadness and loss.

I dated people, and I don’t even remember their names or faces. It was like I wasn’t even there. I do remember I had gone on a first date with a man, and we were hanging out on my couch when I heard somebody tapping at my window. Guess who it was? Awesome, right. Perfect timing for my soul mate to show up. He was just swinging by to say “hi” and see how I was doing.

They always come back when you’re trying to get over them. It’s the push and pull of the energy between each other’s souls. But it sucks. You’re either with me or you’re not, and if you’re not, leave me the fuck alone. There’s nothing worse than loving somebody and trying to get over them, and they’re randomly showing up to check in. “Hiiiiiiiiii”

They love you, but for whatever reason they can’t be with you. And because of that, they can’t stay away. This is why you have to set boundaries. You always have to look out for your own well-being first. If your soul mate wants to be with you, he/she will be with you. It’s as simple as that.

Do not waste time with the confused ones or people you feel you need to prove something to. You’re not a defense attorney. You don’t need to establish a case for somebody to want to be with you. This is a mistake I made with my twin. I kept thinking that I had to prove how incredible a woman I was when were together, and then show him how much I had changed in order to reconcile. I had low self esteem. I didn’t see my worth, so I thought, why would somebody else see it? I had to show it to them.

It wasn’t until I truly loved myself where I said “What the fuck am I doing? I’m awesome. I’m beautiful. I’m smart and funny and I have lots of love to give, and if this idiot can’t see that, that’s his problem.” If somebody is too blind to see what you are, you do not need them in your life, regardless if they are a soul mate or not.

We have many soul mates. If one doesn’t work out, you’ll meet another one. Stop thinking this is your last chance at love, because it’s not. The people who believe that the soul mate who left them was their last chance at happiness are the ones who are right. What you believe is what you will have. If you put it into the universe that you will never love again, then you won’t. Be careful what you wish for.

Go online and Google “soul mate separation”, and you will be amazed by the amount of posts from people who have been suffering for decades over one lost soul mate. Take back the power. It’s your life, not theirs. Don’t let one damaged soul destroy the beauty and goodness of your life. Do you want to give one person the key to your happiness for your entire life? To quote Kanye, “No one man should have all that power.” 

If your soul mate does not want to continue the journey with you, let him/her go with love. Let go or be dragged. Once you get over the pain of the break from them, you will heal, and become stronger than you ever were. And the love you find the next time will be even better. That’s how it works. Every soul mate experience opens our heart more, like a rose blossoming in the garden. These connections heal us, and they help us love deeper and healthier in the end.

Images via Last Light Art by Adam LoRusso

A Love Like Heroin: Karmic Relationships

Have you ever met somebody, and you were instantly attracted to each other? Have you ever had a relationship that kept pulling you back when you tried to walk away, even when you knew it was wrong for you? Have you ever loved somebody in an obsessive way that just by being with them felt like a drug? The relationship was like heroin. You needed, not necessarily wanted, them in an unhealthy, dysfunctional way. You obsessed and lusted after them. These are karmic relationships.

Karmic relationships have a magnetism to them to draw you to each other so that one or both of you can learn a lesson. They are similar to soul mate relationships, but the karma is usually negative. There’s an edge to the relationship. It feels off balanced in some way. There are usually red flags, but because the attraction is so great we ignore them. We think “How can it be wrong when it feels so good?”

“Whether we like it or not, the Universal Law of Karma constantly brings before each of us the meeting of our past use of free will and consciousness. Thus, what we have done to other souls and they have done to us is reflected in the circumstances surrounding our present relationships and the basic, innate urges, attitudes and emotions we feel toward each other.” ~ John Van Auken, Soul Life: Past Lives & Present Relationships

One of the most confusing aspects in these relationships is we can easily mistake them for a soulmate because it feels like we’ve known them all our lives. They feel comfortable to us. But think of it this way: What if in another lifetime, you were betrayed by somebody which led to your murder? Well guess what, that’s the same guy you’re sleeping with now and the sex is incredible! You feel like you’ve known him before because you have: in another lifetime.

To balance the karma between you, you have a soul contract with each other to meet in this lifetime. So don’t count on this guy sticking around. He’s not the one you’re going to marry. You will most likely end up sleeping with his best friend and betraying him just as he did to you in a previous lifetime. What goes around, comes around. And it works the other way as well.

One of my harshest karmic relationships (I’ve had many) was with a younger man I only knew for three months. When we were together, we would have lovely conversations about art, literature, and music, all the things I love. He was intelligent and charming. When I was with him, I felt as if we had always been friends. But there were red flags that I didn’t pay attention to. I trusted too easily. I thought I knew him, because it felt like I knew him, but I did not.

He portrayed himself to be somebody he was not. In actuality, he was a heroin addict who had been in and out of treatment programs for years. When he met me, he was trying to make a fresh start. I didn’t know any of this. I found out later when he had totaled my car and stole my credit card, social security card, and my roommate’s checks, which he had his new junkie girlfriend cash. He had a criminal record for stealing his ex-girlfriend’s money.

This person whom I thought so fondly of didn’t exist. He was nothing but a liar and a thief. Drugs may have fueled his bad behavior, but deep down, he wasn’t a good person. He used me for whatever he could, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. And I’m sure he will do it again and again to other women.

I believe to this day that in some other lifetime, I had wronged him in some way. But besides that, he taught me a lesson about being too trusting. I’m the type of person who always sees the good in people. This was teaching me that I had to be careful who I let into my life. All that glitters is not always gold.

I had a psychic read my cards about this karmic connection, and she called him a “snake charmer.” She said that I had beat myself about allowing a toxic person into my heart, but it wasn’t my fault. She told me “Snake charmers fool everybody.” I had another psychic cut the energetic cords that were binding us together, so the karma between us would be finished.

Often times, karmic relationships teach us lessons about codependency. What feels like love is need. And need is not love. One of the ways in which these lessons are learned is by creating scenarios of unrequited love: You want to be with this person; they don’t, and vice versa. Somebody always loves more; somebody is always heartbroken in the end. In a codependent relationship, the more you give, the more the other takes. The relationship is unbalanced. You think by giving them everything, they will love you more, but it usually works the opposite way. Ain’t that a bitch?

Now the universe will keep throwing these shitty one-sided relationships at you until you learn the lesson. I used to tell my friends “All I attract are addicts and alcoholics!” And the reason for that was the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about being codependent. I would lose myself in my relationships and make it solely about the other person.

Addicts and alcoholics are naturally self-centered: It’s part of their affliction. Being in a relationship with one, it’s all about their problems. This is why they subconsciously seek out codependent people to be their partners. And all I wanted to do was focus on them, so it was the perfect dysfunctional, karmic match! So to learn my lesson about giving too much of myself, the universe had to beat me over the head by sending several addicts and alcoholics my way.

If all you attract is a specific type of shitty person, there’s probably a lesson to be learned. Once you learn the lesson, the spell breaks, but learning the lesson is difficult. It usually takes time and several karmic relationships to do it.

People always ask me “How do I attract good people into my life to have healthy relationships?” The answer I give is: “You have to be healthy to attract healthy!” If you’re damaged, you will attract damaged partners. If you don’t love yourself, you will only meet people who don’t love you, or are incapable of showing you their love. In the Law of Attraction, they say “Like attracts like. Lack attracts lack.” When you are of strong mind, body, and soul, you attract others who are. That’s how it works! Only you can break your relationship patterns.

If you’re sick of karmic relationships and want a commitment that’s lasting and solid, start by performing my “Out of the Funk, Into the Love” full moon ritual to release the relationship residue from the past. Out with the old, in with the new. You can do it any time, but full moons are the most powerful periods of the month to “take out the garbage”, so to speak.

Once you’ve done that, start a journal and jot down your relationship patterns. What has been the connecting thread in most of your relationships? How do you show love? How have your exes shown love to you? Once you start recognizing the repeating themes in your relationships, you will see the lessons. And learning the lessons are half the battle.

Image via Fashiontography

 

Love is Love: Breaking Through False Beliefs

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”-  Pablo Neruda

Love is emotion. Love is energy. Love is inside us. Love is beautiful. Love is more powerful than hate. Love is life-changing. Love connects us to our souls. Love connects us to each other. Love is all-encompassing. Love heals. Love transforms. Love breaks down walls. Love is the magic of the universe. Love is our life force.

Love is not hard. Love is not obsession. Love does not hurt. Love is not pushed onto somebody else. Love is not marriage. Love is not monogamy. Love is not possession. Love is not jealousy. Love is love.

Soul mates and Twin Flames teach each other how to love without expectations and to love themselves. When I separated from my twin, I was overwhelmed with feelings of love and Divine ecstasy. Love beat rapidly from my chest; it lit my heart on fire as my heart chakra opened for the first time. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody. But this was a different love than I had ever felt.

I loved him, and I loved the sky. I loved the sunlit trees. I loved the flowers and the flock of birds flying over me in a perfect choreography, as if they were dancing a ballet only they knew. I loved the world around me. And sometimes that world was so exquisite and enchanting to me that I would find myself breaking down, sobbing. Tears ran down my face because I realized how beautiful the world was around me. My spiritual awakening lifted the veil that had been covering my eyes for 36 years. It showed me that the universe is pure magic, but we’re all just too blind to see it.

The love I felt for my twin had filled my body with so much love that it made me feel closer to God and the universe. I felt connected to everything. And I knew that was all because of the love I had for him.

He had pulled a love from inside of me, so deep and powerful like an ocean wave from my soul, that it completely transformed me. It made me realize that I had never known true love. This was not just romantic love, this was something on a whole other level. This was Divine love. My soul loved his soul. And I knew that his soul loved mine. It was all that simple.

It didn’t matter that we weren’t together. It didn’t matter that he refused to talk to me, or that he was upset with me for ruining our budding relationship. None of it mattered. That was all ego. That was all surface problems. What we had was a spiritual connection, and with that connection came a love that changed my life and who I was forever. And it was all because of something so simple and wonderful as love.

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From Torment to Butterflies: Forgiving Yourself

In life, we tend to hold on too tightly to what we have done and that which was done to us. Because we can’t let go of the past and all the hurts, we destroy the love we have for ourselves. One of the most powerful actions we can take is to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made.

If you carry the pain of yesterday, you will only feel burden. You have to let it all go; all the stagnant emotions left over from the past, the disappointment, the “what ifs”, and the regret. And the only way to release it, is to forgive yourself first.

During my spiritual/Twin Flame journey, I made many mistakes. I didn’t make sensible decisions. I let fear guide my actions; I let anxiety keep me from seeing situations clearly. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I lost friendships. I lost my twin. I hurt him. I hurt myself. I felt as if it was all my fault. Waking up each day felt like a living nightmare. How could I go on knowing that I had created the separation and done all this damage to a wonderful connection?

Over the course of two years, I tore myself apart with regret. I hated myself. And through the disdain and resentment of myself, I had to take a hard look at who I was as a person and recognize my deep-seated issues that had been bubbling to the surface for years. I worked hard to try to heal the broken pieces. But the pain of losing somebody I loved and knowing I was to blame shredded me. It had been a choice that I had made but would never stop regretting. All I did was blame myself and live in my own prison of self-flagellation and negative thinking. 

At one point, I realized I needed to forgive myself. I thought “What’s done is done. I cannot change the past as much as I am dying to. I have to accept the present. I have to forgive what I did.” And then I thought “I did the best I could. I am not perfect. I was damaged, and I needed healing.”

That night before bed, I created an affirmation for myself. I exclaimed “I forgive myself. I forgive myself for hurting him. I forgive myself for hurting me. I forgive myself, and I let it go to be healed.” After I had said it all, I cried. I let it all out, every molecule of hurt that I had been carrying with me, all the regret, and I let all of it go.

Forgiving myself was the first step in an incredibly painful, eye-opening journey. It helped me become the person that I am today. It helped me love myself. You cannot love yourself if you hate yourself. Carrying regret for one’s actions only leads to self-hate.

You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Once you accept the imperfections, you let love in. When you let love into yourself, you attract love. All the pain of yesterday is transformed by the love you have for yourself. That is how powerful love is. Love turns torment into butterflies.

 

The Future Pushes Us, The Past Pulls Us

This quote appears at the end of the book, The Great Gatsby. It encapsulates the push and pull we as humans feel as we struggle between living in the future and the past. We are constantly trying to move forward in our lives, looking toward the future, hoping for the best. But as we do this, we are perpetually jolted back by the memories of our past. As much as we try to move forward, like “boats against the current’, we are always pulled back by an impalpable force.

Our lesson is to live in the present. But our Ego fights it. The Ego is the powerful current in which we battle. We are just tiny boats in a vast sea trying to keep afloat as we sail through life.

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning –

 So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

 

 

A Recipe to Lift Your Spirits

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” – Carl Jung

The holidays are approaching: It can be a depressing time for many of us. This time of year brings out our feelings. We reflect on the year, on our lives, our love lives. And not every year is going to be wonderful. Some years are better than others.

We may be dealing loneliness, separations from the ones we still love, or we may be experiencing the feeling that time was wasted. The holidays signal the end of a year. Maybe we feel as if we could have done better, made more of an effort at some point during the year, and we didn’t. Instead we let time slip by us.

Through our perception, it’s almost the New Year, and we have little to show for it; we didn’t accomplish what we had hoped. These feelings are normal, and they happen to the best of us. We are our own worst critics. We mustn’t be too hard on ourselves.

Over the past two years, I’ve struggled with depression. I know the torment and the hopelessness that some of you may be feeling. And through trial and error, I have tried many methods to heal and energize myself. I was able to pull myself out of the abyss. I want to share with you my magickal recipe to lift your spirits.

You’re going to laugh, but this advice was given to me by my spiritual mentor, and it worked! Buy a few items for your home in the color, crimson. 


It’s a deep red. You need bursts of crimson in your surroundings to pull you out of the darkness. There is something about the color that will invigorate you. My cat died last year: I remember staring up at my crimson-colored Chinese lanterns, still feeling somewhat alive. I knew the crimson was having a positive effect. It was helping me through a dismal time.
The next step is you will need to buy a yellow candle. You will think of this candle’s energy as “sunshine” and “happiness.” The energy of the candle will fill your home. Burn it all the way down. If you need to leave the house, snuff it out, do not blow it out, then relight it when you get home. It can be any size candle. 
Buy a hematite bracelet, ring, or necklace. You want the stone close to your skin. It will help energetically ground you and keep you emotionally balanced. The Egyptians called it the “worry stone.” When we’re filled with anxiety, depressed, fearful, our energy becomes unbalanced. Hematite is cheap. You can buy a bracelet like this. 

Here is some more information on hematite.

I am offering these suggestions, because I know they work. If you do try these methods or have any, post your experiences in the comments.